Renewing My Mind

just a bit of rambling...

2008-11-17T21:46:00.002-05:00

You've been forewarned - I am completely rambling here...
I had a good therapy session last week. Two main thoughts came of it that I hadn't imagined. And sad to say, I had not counted on actually learning something in therapy. I guess I thought it would be a place to "talk my feelings out" but not necessarily a place where insight would be gained. Cynical, I know.
I didn't intend for our conversation to be spent on Kyle, still. I shared that part of my frustration with feeling stuck in grief is that I feel like everyone else is moving on. And I am left asking myself, why is this still so hard? Kyle wasn't a part of my daily life, and I don't think about him that often. But there still seems to be a block between me and God and I still feel like I'm holding back on life. She brought to my attention that sometimes as people are grieving, and they start to realize that others are moving on, the struggle becomes that we hold onto the dead to preserve their memory. Kind of like...I can't move on because then Kyle might be forgotten. This makes a lot of sense...after all, I did name my son after him. Then she said that it can make me feel like I'm afraid that others will move on from me - another way to face my own mortality. Oddly enough, for like 3 or 4 days before this session, I had been dwelling on a few insignificant encounters that made me feel left out, excluded, lonely, etc. None of these people's actions was intentional, and if they'd known they'd made me feel this way, I know they would have done differently. But somehow I'd interpreted their actions to be excluding. And so through my session, I realized that this feeling of isolation is deeper than having my feelings hurt by not being invited to something. I am still struggling with my own mortality. Hmm, I thought I had worked that out already and was ok with it.
The second thing that came from my session was in her prayer. Just an aside - last time I was struck by the fact that she prayed "we ask" "we feel" etc. It seem powerful to me that she said "we" instead of "I." Anyway, this week, she prayed that I would find God to be a consistent God. She mentioned to me before we prayed that I appear to be someone who needs routine and structure and that Cam has thrown that off for me (yeah, a bit!). But even harder to deal with than a new baby is sudden and tragic death. All the deaths in my recent life (and so far, she and I have talked about 5 traumas) have been a surprise. Something I couldn't be prepared for, and the kind that are shocking even to those who aren't directly involved. So life has felt very unstructured and unpredictable. Which is hard for someone like me (probably hard for everyone...). So I need to find God to be predictable again. She mentioned the Psalms as a great example of God's consistency...I plan to read some again soon. I hadn't thought much about how God has felt unpredictable to me, but as soon as she said it, I felt a weight lifted - like, yes, I need God to be that again. It doesn't mean that I have to fall back into my old, conservative ways and theology, just that I need to realize that God hasn't changed - just me. There is comfort in that, somewhere. God is "I am."
I have been reading Kyle's book too. Parts of it make me really sad, as he talks about the kids or Jen, but overall, I think it is helping. I do feel like he has a legacy and will be remembered.
Anyway, this is some major rambling...kinda fighting a cold, had a long, tiring day of baby and work. Ready for sleep. Just wanted to put down some thoughts...it really does help me renew my mind.

Funerals and Smiles

2008-11-12T20:53:00.003-05:00

My friend Tracy tagged me in her blog to write about 6 things that make me happy, thus the "smile" part of my title. However, before I do, Chris and I are going to attend a funeral on Friday for the Patriarch of two families who have taken us in here in Mount Airy. We have spent some Thanksgivings and Christmases with them when we didn't travel to TX or MI. We have to go out to Asheville, so it will be a long day, but I'd do it in a heartbeat to be near them while they mourn and celebrate the life of their father. I guess I feel bittersweet about it...the good part is I feel I'm having a better outlook overall on death and grief right now so going to a funeral doesn't feel as heavy as it would have a few weeks ago.

So, on that note, things that make me happy:
1. My family - specifically, my amazing husband Chris who is my best friend, cheerleader, coach, confidant, lover, encourager, and co-parent and more! and my cutie-patutie son who is so squeezable and lovable and happy and whom I just can't stop kissing and hugging! and my parents and sister and brother-in-law and Chris' family.
2. The Mountains - we live in an amazing part of the country and I try never to take it for granted. Every day I see the mountain range in the distance, look at amazing tree foliage, see nature and crisp blue skies. I just love it. It could only be better if we had more dustings of snow.
3. Being able to be creative - in whatever form that takes - my job is an outlet for creativity as a communications manager, sometimes I paint (though it's been awhile), sometimes I write (though that's been lacking lately), and sometimes I teach.
4. Church - even though it's really been frustrating me lately, I still love the Church - wherever we may be attending. I love the mission, I love the people, I love the feeling, I love the comfort, I love the routine and predictability, I love the excitement and change, I love to try, I even love when we fail as we grow. I just love the Church and it makes me happy.
5. Driving/Traveling - though we haven't been able to do it in awhile, I am happy when we are traveling, especially by car. I'm sure if we were to count it all up, we have spent a good 1/4 of our marriage in a car. We can go somewhere by plan or just drive aimlessly. We go nearby on the Blue Ridge Parkway, or we go for days on end. I love the freedom and I love the conversation. I love to see new places. Traveling makes me happy.
6. TV - I know, it's terrible! But TV really does make me happy! I look forward to certain shows - i.e. the office - that make me laugh out loud, but then even the ones that aren't funny still cheer me up. I love to curl up on the couch and have no responsibilities for a bit while I am entertained. Thank goodness Cam is going to bed early now!

Thanks for this challenge, Tracy! It was good for me to think through.
I'm not going to tag anyone as I'm not sure anyone is reading this anyway ;)
But I guess if you are reading, I challenge you to think about 6 things that make you happy. Did it take you as long as it took me (a good 20 minutes)?

Subject Change

2008-11-09T20:40:00.003-05:00

Thanks to those of you who have said something to me about this blog...I do it more for myself than anything, but it is nice to know I'm not writing into the black hole of the Internet.
Just to recap from the last entry before I change the subject, I have started reading Kyle's book - (re)understanding prayer but it's been hard. He writes a lot of personal stories and he finished this book and had it published just before he died. But I'm glad I've started and I'm trying. I hope to write more about that soon...I have another therapy session soon.
So, I thought I'd get a little political. Dangerous, huh?!
I recently had a good friend ask me on Facebook how I could be an Obama supporter since he is pro-choice. She felt very strongly about struggling with supporting him since he accepts abortion. I thought I would post my response to her here, and I would love to hear your thoughts as well. Do try to keep them respectful and non-judgemental if possible. And maybe I'll write more to my reasons for being such a huge Obama fan.

"I guess it's important to share where I am coming from before I just state my bottom line - which is that I chose Obama based on his governing issues not his moral ones.

I see issues like abortion, homosexuality, pornography, religion, etc as moral issues, not governmental issues. I don't think our government can solve these problems - they are for the church to discuss, teach, challenge and ultimately change - through our relationships and missions with our communities. I recognize that they are not issues in a void - meaning our govt must have some role (i.e Roe vs Wade and whether same-sex marriages are legally binding documents, etc, usually played out in court) but I think that our leaders cannot be reduced to a yes or no checklist of moral controversies.

Ultimately, I value the separation of church and state to an extreme, some would say. I am less concerned about my leader's religious roles than I am about his or her policies and projects (and would actually lean more towards someone who's policies and projects are not a goal of their religion). We see examples of the marriage of church and state in disastrous places like Iraq and Iran where extremism is allowed the role of ruling because there is no separating.
I know that conservative Christians often have a hard understanding this - they think that this means that leaders could take us to a place of extreme secularism and remove God from everything (i.e. the fear of no prayer in school or removing "in God we trust" from money and pledge), but this is where I say so what if they do? What a great challenge and opportunity for the church! We are never going to be a nation where the church is silenced...in thinking of China...its value is already accepted amongst the heavy majority of our people. And even if we do end up in extreme secularism (like Europe), the people of the church have always been more committed when they are persecuted. Jesus told us we would be...so if we're not...maybe we're
doing something wrong.

So my background is to come to the candidate for how they would govern and what they see as major policy changes and goals for their term as president. This is how I made my decision to vote for Obama - I studied his policies and I liked what I saw. I don't agree with everything (it's not possible to have that "perfect" of a candidate), but I am challenged by his message of hope and I'm praying it will make a difference in our nation, esp with racial reconciliation, a widening of the middle class and our international standing.

If you want to talk about this issue of abortion itself, then in comparing the candidates, I still would vote for Obama. The irony, to me, is that Obama may actually reduce more abortions than McCain's presidency would have. Obama is pro-choice, not pro-abortion. He doesn't want there to be abortion, but he recognizes that we must allow women the right to choose. I see his desire to provide health care for children, provide an education up through college for all, provide better sex-education for teenagers, provide more jobs and better salaries - esp for women, and provide hope esp to minorities - I see all of these as a way to end abortions. Women often make this choice out of desperation...if they have more money, better education and see the choice of raising a baby as a single mother as an option, they may not choose to end the pregnancy.

But even considering all of that, I still say this is a challenge for the church. We have to ask ourselves...what are we actually doing to help women make a choice NOT to have an abortion? I say if this is an issue you feel strongly enough about to use to choose your next leader, then it is probably a prompting from the Holy Spirit to do something about it. And I don't mean holding signs in front of Planned Parenthood.
I think we ask ourselves, what can we do to help teenagers see there is an option other than sex to feel loved and belonging (i.e. get involved working with your youth program at church or in your schools as a mentor)?
What can we do to help support single mothers (i.e. find service outlets like home repair, child care, transportation, meals to bring to these women)?
What can we do to welcome in children of ALL backgrounds (i.e. more than just VBS - our SS classes, programs, etc should have different types of kids - not all affluent white kids, and we should be serving in the schools - including having our children mixed with all kinds of kids in their classes)?
What can we do to create an atmosphere of acceptance, love and forgiveness for those who are facing difficult decisions?
And so on....so to me, this is a church issue, not a govt one and so I don't make my decision for my President based on how he views abortion.

I know this prompts all kinds of other conversations - but you didn't ask for more than this and I've already written a book! If you think of more, please respond! I want to create open dialogue where we can have a difference of option if needed and can share our thoughts w/o feeling manipulated or looked down on or discouraged. I hope I have conveyed that attitude towards you, too! Thanks again for asking. I always want to be an open book!"

getting out of the rut

2008-10-31T14:25:00.004-04:00

It has been such a long time since I wrote here, i can't imagine anyone is checking it still...so I'll count this addition as a letter to myself. I don't even know how far i'll get as Cam is sleeping - wow how things have changed since my last entry - I was pregnant then, but didn't even know it. And with the house, and the baby, and, well, life in general, I just don't have any energy to write. or creativity, or thoughts of my own, for that matter.
I've continued to deal with deaths - my grandfather died unexpectedly at Christmas last year. I was the only one who didn't get to see him before he passed away. Chris did a great job at the funeral, but I still felt something was missing. I think it was good-bye.
My aunt died this summer. She had terminal cancer - it took her in a little less than a year. I had seen her a couple of weeks before her death and had no idea she was that close to the end. I would have said a lot more things to her and regret my ending. I don't really want to talk about it still.
I've started seeing a counselor. She asked me what I wanted to get out of our meetings and I said two things - 1. to be able to reduce my anxiety, worry, and overall fears - I am always going to be a worrier, but it seems to consume my life right now. and 2. to be able to open up the channels of my relationship with God - creativity, prayer, faithfulness, reading, etc. I don't know what that will look like but I do know they are blocked.
Maybe this blog will be one of those outlets.
Today is the day after the anniversary of Kyle's death. It seems much less clear than last year or two years ago. It almost feels like a different life. Chris and I are wearing our shirts today and will watch his video again. I hope to start his book on prayer soon - that's progress- that I even want to read it.
I hear Cam waking. Besides, the words just aren't flowing today. Oh, well, this is a beginning of some sort. I guess we have to have them...new starts. Otherwise, we stay stuck in these ruts.

The End of An Era

2007-06-06T22:12:00.000-04:00

I had a fantastic Sunday. I was able to drive to Zebulon for the morning worship service to see my old girls' disciple group in their graduation attire for Senior Sunday. This was the class of kids who were in 6th grade when we started at Zebulon and except for the last 2 years, I was involved in their weekly lives. I loved spending time with them again, and seeing the "passing of the guard." There is something to be said about completion, and seeing them in caps and gowns provided me with an odd sense of peace. I also enjoyed meeting with an old teaching friend and another friend from Zebulon later in the day. It was a good reminder for me to see where I've come from and where I am going. I miss the people at Zebulon dearly, but I also left feeling affirmed at where we are now. I am convinced that it takes me 3 years to settle into a place and love it more than where I was before. However, even though we are about to end year 2 in Mount Airy, I feel like this is home already. It's good to have a home. And it's good to feel right about where you are.
So, congrats to my beautiful girls. And thank you, Lord, for the pleasure of seeing things to "completion."

Recent Events in Our Life

2007-05-22T17:11:00.000-04:00

I know it's been forever since I've written. In addition to our house, we've had a life too. ;)
Here are some pix of what we've been doing:

We went to Miami for a pre-site visit for our mission trip this summer. We were able to drive to Orlando and see Jeff, Pam and our nephew Braden.

And then, my sister got married this weekend!! It was absolutely wonderful and we loved spending time with our family. I had a blast with her friends, who I consider my friends now, too.

Jenny and her maids at the rehearsal dinner - Jacque and Jen - her best friends since forever

Mom and I tying up Jenny's dress

Mom fluffing Jenny's dress

Jenny waiting to go!

Jenny's bridesmaids (minus me)

Chris and I at the reception

More pix to come from the wedding soon. Chris did a great job at his first wedding and we're so thankful to have been a part!

Here's the view from the land my in-laws bought in Possum Kingdom Lake in Texas. Now we have vacation places in the UP and TX. Yeah!

I hope it's not this long before I write again. Check out the main street blog to see how our house is going.

renovating blog

2007-02-20T23:49:00.000-05:00

Check out our "off main street" blog to hear how our renovations are going.

SOLD!

2007-02-18T19:57:00.000-05:00

We're home owners!

off main street

2007-02-08T09:35:00.000-05:00

I've started a new blog that Chris and I can use together. Check it out when you have time. Also, we close on the house in a couple of weeks and will spend about 2-3 weeks doing some renovations before we move in. You're always welcome to come help! ;)

Faith, Hope and Love

2007-01-31T22:00:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking since last Sunday about the 1 Corinthians 13 passage. Our pastor preached about it, and while I've heard it a million times, including my own wedding, for some reason it hit me a little differently this time. I was really struck by the last verse: Now faith, hope, love, abide these three, but the greatest of these is love.
What does that mean to you that the GREATEST is love?
I started thinking about faith. I have struggled a lot with my faith in the last 15 months, since Kyle's death. Sometimes I have been so cynical and bitter that I haven't even acknowledged God. I have been so disappointed that I have rejected God. I have been so angered at human suffering that I have distanced myself from a God who could allow such to happen. My faith has felt threatened, it has felt flat, it has not sustained me. So I have not abided in faith.
I also thought of how faith seems to be the banner of American Christian evangelism. The same that I grew up with in the Bible belt of wanting to "win others over for Christ." The message of walking the aisle, saving your soul and trusting your eternity to a God you can't see. That's faith. And unfortunately for many Christians, this faith is more important than anything else. I mean that in the way of being more concerned with your neighbor's (family member, co-worker, classmate, etc) "salvation" than you are with their life here on earth. The question of "Are you saved?" is more readily asked and important than "How are you doing? or How can I help"
Ok, so I'm pretty negative about faith. On to hope...
Hope seems to fall into the category saved for those who are desperate for it. Those of us who are blessed to have heating and a/c, food on the table, jobs, family, safety, and general piece of mind don't think about hope much until we are confronted by someone else who doesn't have any - or until it is striped away from us by some tragedy. I have wrested with my hope as well. Grief has a way of stripping away more than you can imagine and hope was a by-product I was unprepared to lose. I started losing hope in many things - our country, our leadership, our churches, our example, our economy, our future, our relationships with races and countries and tribes. How could we mend the damage we have done in the Middle East? How can we function as a nation? How can we help those less fortunate? I was feeling frustrated with Sunday sermons and evening news. No one was offering me a word of hope that I could latch on to. And the Christian hope of eternal life did not seem to be enough to sustain my daily living. I found myself turning to politics or societal "heroes" to give me hope. And while I have found a few lately who have inspired me and given me hope in our future as a nation, it has not replaced the need for hope in God and God's plans. So I have not abided in hope either.
And like I said before, hope seems like it should be reserved for those less fortunate than me. I can see how the African American church hangs hope as their banner, as do other groups in suffering. It is hard for me to feel like I have much to say on this issue when I have had so much for all of my life.
So on to love. If the greatest of these is love, then it should rise above all and matter the most. It should not fail, it should sustain. I have to ask myself honestly, then, where has love sustained me? When has love been the greatest? How do I SEE that? But the truth is, well, the question is the answer. Love has sustained me because I know it wasn't anything else. Love keeps me alive. Love provides for my future. Love gives me a reason to hope in eternity. Love allows my husband and I to live in harmony and learn to support each other. Love replaces my grief so that I can have joy again. And even when I wish to deny it, love is all around me (to steal a line from Love Actually).
Ok, so what do we do with this? We have to be confronted and shaken by this verse. The GREATEST of these is love. So, more important than wanting others to have eternal life, to have faith, to have hope, we have to LOVE. Our banner, our example, our words, our lives, our stories, our focus, our message, our desire, everything, has to be about love. The rest doesn't matter. How do you interpret that passage, how do you feel about worship style, what role does church play in your life, why do you reach out to others, they all have to answer LOVE. I think we would actually bring others hope and provide them a way to have faith, if we let LOVE be the greatest thing out of our mouths and our lives. And so we have to ask, how do we love? Well, read the rest of 1 Corinthians 13 to find the answer. It won't be easy. But guess what, love will give us strength and show us the way.

Changes for the Ahos

2007-01-30T21:40:00.000-05:00

not that kind of change...
chris and I have a contract on a house! You can see pix by clicking on Photos from the Ahos on the side. If all goes right, we should close in mid-February. I'll fill you in more soon.
Ski trip was great. weather was cold. I got sick Thursday night and that lasted until late the next week. But we're so glad we got to go. There are a few pix from the trip on the "photos" also.
I'll write soon. I have a blog entry floating around my head since sunday that I can't wait to get out...just too darn busy.

Baby it's cold outside

2007-01-11T09:36:00.000-05:00

Sorry I've been so absent. I truly believe I can blame it on my new job. I love my new job. Of course, it is work, so there are things I can complain about. But I love it. However, I use up most of my creativity at work, plus I'm on the computer for 8 hours a day, and when I get home, I either don't feel like writing or I have no creative thing left to say.
Still, that's no excuse for me to lose touch with you, so I will try harder.
In the meantime, I'll be absent again. Chris and I are going on vacation on Sunday afternoon to freaking cold Colorado!!! We're going skiing at Keystone which I am so excited about - one because it's been about 10 years or more since I've skied there and I love it and two because Chris has never skied the Rockies before and I am so excited for him to do it. We'll have to always go back to CO now, of course.
But it is going to be cold. The high Monday is 15. And that's in town w/o the wind. Here's to praying we only lose a little toe to frostbite instead of an ear or such. My sister, her fiance Jed, Chris' youngest brother Brad and his dad are going to join us. We are all flying in on SUnday and there is a chance of freezing rain for all of our airports, so we hope we make it in. But at any rate, it will be an adventure!

Wandering in the Wilderness

2006-12-14T09:58:00.000-05:00

One of the few people who read my blog mentioned to me that it had been awhile since I posted anything. November was a very busy month at work and then my family came to see us for Thanksgiving. As far as December goes, I have no excuses, except to say that I haven't felt like being on the computer lately. I do have lots of things to say, so maybe that will change soon. And I promise to post some pictures soon too.
In the meantime, I'll post an old article I wrote for our previous Advent church devotional in 2002.

Wandering in the Wilderness
Dry, parched lands. Thirst. No home. No food. No relief from the sun. Endless days and nights. Little sleep, no rest, and always the routine.
The wilderness we journey may not be as physically challenging as the desert; however, it can be just as grueling. Should I take this job, should we have kids, should my mother go into a nursing home, should I go to this college, should I stick this out, should I have this baby (Luke 1:34)? I'm referring to those agonizing, tormenting decisions that cause us to lash out at others, lose sleep, and become stressful. We all share the humanity of wrestling with decisions. I have faith that in all our hearts we truly do want to follow God's direction. If anything we have learned that trying to go without God will only lead us to the belly of a whale. And so in our contemplating and analyzing, we struggle to know "what does God want me to do?" Yet, sometimes we receive silence. God does not shout in our ear the direction to take. He does not write in on our walls or tell our friends the answers. He does not even send us an angel to tell us why this is happening to us (Luke 1:28-38). Elijah said he heard God in the still small whisper. And sometimes we do too. But what about those times when we don't hear anything?

It is then that it seems we are left to wander in our own wilderness trying to find the way to our promised land. We may seek comfort in our friends and family, as Mary did with Elizabeth (Luke 1:39), or maybe we feel that we have no choice, as Joseph did when he contemplated quietly divorcing Mary (Matthew 1:19). Either way, we feel alone.

We know the miracle of the Advent season began with the birth of Jesus. When we picture it, we remember to include the Wise Men, camels, shepherds and angels. However, what if we were to add to our Christmas picture Moses, Abraham, or David? These Old Testament characters seem out of place in our Advent story. Yet, I think they point us towards the life we are asked to live in the light of the Advent miracle. They help us to put the struggles of Mary and Joseph into our own struggling lives. When we are facing a period of wandering, feeling directionless, we are mimicking the life stories shown to us in the Bible: Moses and the Israelites, wandering for 40 years; Abraham following God's call to "go to the land I will show (not have shown) you;" Solomon seeking to find the meaning of life (Ecclesiastes); David running, hiding, trembling from his enemies; prophets gone before us: Jonah, Jeremiah, Elijah; men of the Bible: Abel, Jacob, Joseph; and finally Mary and Joseph. Each has shown us that wandering and wondering is part of our humanity.

Sometimes it is our own doing, when we stray from God and then forget what His voice sounds like. Often times, it is planned for our own good - to prepare us, prune us, mold us, and form us. There are times when it is not explainable, and we will not ever know the answer to why we are here or even where to go. However, when we are going through our wilderness of decision-making and life, we can be comforted that
before each journey - God was there,
during each journey - God is there,
and at the end of each journey - God will be there.
He showed us with Mary and Joseph that through our obedience, our lives will be blessed. Maybe not by us giving birth to the Son of God in a manger at the end of a day's travels but definitely through this Son of God born to us 2,000 years ago. There is relief in our deserts, and His name is Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace - Jesus (Isaiah 9:6).

Kyle's Footprint Project

2006-11-01T13:08:00.000-05:00

In honor and memory of Kyle's funeral, a year ago today (which is by no coincidence I think, All Saint's Day), I am posting what I wrote to the Footprint Project. You can read the project in its entirety at: http://www.kylesfilm.com/footprints/Footprints.pdf.

We still miss you, dear friend. We always will. Praise God for your life.

"My first memory of Kyle was when he was serving FBC Tyler as the intern youth minister for the summer of 92. I had just moved there as a scared 15 year old who was trying to learn to love a new place and find new friends. As he led a group of teenagers (albeit acting like one himself as he ran across the roof of the girls' rooms leaning over the edge into the window to give us all a scare), he taught me how to feel loved and appreciated when he chose me to stand and receive "I love you because." He was wise beyond his years (was it only 19?) and called out me, the new kid on the block. Throughout the next 4 years of my life, I learned to love Kyle as a mentor and friend. He floated in and out of my life through my connections with his family and my friends.

When I began attending Baylor as a Freshman in 94, I decided to give this brand new church a try - UBC. Two years later (or so...), this amazing guy entered our congregation as our community pastor. It was thrilling to see Kyle on a regular basis. I'll never forget his first sermon in the Hippodrome...it was awful! He stuttered through the whole thing, repeating phrases and sentences over and over and using his favorite word - "man" - all the time, even in the prayer!! But we hung on and sat through it all, loving him for trying and praying he would get better. He did.

As my friendship with him developed even more at the same time, my relationship with my future husband, Chris Aho, blossomed, and Kyle became even more important in my life. Always offering a hug and a smile, and making me feel as though he knew me and remembered the details of my life, I looked forward to seeing him every week and seeking his advice. He joyfully showed off his office, and we laughed - at first at the painted trees in the corner and the monkeys on the bookshelf and then the Augustine quote on the wall (who is that, I wondered?!).
Sometime during his arrival to UBC (the time blurs in my mind), I dropped by the offices at the 11th street building. I often served by doing volunteer work in answering phones, etc, and needed to check in for something. It was obvious as I entered the room, I was interrupting a precious moment with Kyle and some girl. I thought, who is this girl trying to win Kyle's heart? Good luck, Jen! Many a girl has tried (I had a few friends to add to the list), but none could measure up. But there was something so genuine and real - she was radiant and beautiful in a t-shirt and baseball cap. And somehow I knew at that moment, if Kyle was ever going to fall in love, she might be it. She too could light up a room, make you feel as if you were the only one capturing her attention, and laugh like no tomorrow. She seemed his match. She was.

Chris and I became more serious in our relationship and often sought out Kyle's advice and humor, and he often gave his jokes and laughter unsolicited. Chris began to meet with Kyle regularly in a mentoring relationship, so when he began to prepare for our engagement, he sought Kyle's involvement (Chris will have to tell you more on how that conspired). The night we were engaged, Kyle taped our engagement from the balcony of UBC. I will cherish that video for the rest of my life. I can hear Kyle whispering to Chris Seay and Dave Crowder and then giggling his infamous giggle, but quietly. When we finally faced the camera, he began whistling and shouting and his voice is burned into my brain. Such joy, such ease at celebrating with his friends. I will never forget his "woo, hoo"!

When we began planning our wedding, we knew that Kyle would play a role somehow. We were so close to Chris Seay and felt we needed him to marry us, so we asked Kyle to usher. Such a humble, servant's role, and, certainly, Kyle had better things to do than usher at a college student's wedding. But he made us feel as though he wouldn't want to do anything else and heartily accepted. He was laughter and grace at the rehearsal dinner...showing up with bleached blond hair and apologizing..."I didn't have your phone number at the salon or I would have asked!" We cherished that day and now even more as I look at those photos of that crazy blond kid.

So many other memories...he and his sister Kristi crying at his wedding, always welcoming us "home" to UBC with a big "AHOs!", that great laugh, that great smile, his mom and dad always hugging and kissing and asking details about my life- our lives, his sister Kristi being the first person I hugged after I came down the aisle at my wedding as she was on her way to the bathroom being like 8 months pregnant. Seeing Kyle and Jen and Avery at Quiznos when Avery was like two years old. She spilled something on her dress and pointed to the spot and said, "Uh, oh" so Jen could wipe it up. Being thrilled and laughing at the news that they would have twin boys. What is Jen going to do??? We KNEW they would be like Kyle!! And that wonderful Christmas picture of Avery standing perfectly in front of Santa with her designer glasses and hands by her side while the twins were beet red, crying and trying to leave Santa's lap and go in two different directions. I laughed so hard...poor Jen, she got Kyle two times over!

Then years began to pass and we didn't see our friend much as we'd moved to North Carolina. But I thought of him often. I would tell stories to others...I knew this guy....and how do you share what Kyle was like to someone who'd never met him? He is life. More alive than anyone I have ever met. He is joy. Complete through and through. He is love and acceptance. He teaches me what Christ was like on earth...do you need a modern day example? Look to Kyle. As my husband says, he is the coolest person I will ever know and makes me feel like I am too.
I never took the time to write the note that I did to so many others in my life - so here it is now..."Kyle, you are such a blessing to me. You have helped mold me into who I am today by showing me a living example of who God is. I thank God for your life and for you being real to me. My path in life has been formed by you...your relationship to Chris and encouragement to his following God's call to ministry. Much blessings and love to you and Jen. Always know you have changed so many lives. Never stop. Grace and peace, Natalie Aho." I never felt the urgency...Kyle was always going to be there. How is it that I will never get to see that smile at UBC? The "someday" in my mind of when we would have a Sunday off and be able to visit UBC will never come. Not that way any how. How do I live with that thought? How can I comprehend that Jen will never hold his hand again on Earth? How is it that those precious babies will not laugh with their dad again? Why Kyle? Of all the people in the world, why Kyle? We need him. We miss him. We will forever be changed. God have mercy on us. We need hope. Praise God for Kyle's final words to us all. I will try my best and ask God's grace to help me to embody Kyle's life in my ministry. May I be as loving and gracious and joyful and content and LIFE as Kyle taught me to be, honoring his memory forever. And he will live on...through me, then to others whom I touch...already making a difference in North Carolina. God give us peace. God give us comfort. God give us life."

It is interesting as I reread those words, written about a year ago. I still feel all those things, but if I were to write it now, I would say, "Kyle was life. Kyle was acceptance and love, etc." I guess that's what a year does - changes the "is" to "was".
We still need the peace and comfort and life. Praise God he is faithful to deliver.

That laugh!

2006-10-30T23:47:00.000-05:00

Tonight Chris and I lit a candle in memory of Kyle and watched "Kyle's film". We watched the part about his growing up, and it was so great to see his family again. And then we watched the UBC part. I was so thankful to hear Kyle's laugh again. It was embedded in my brain, but I hadn't actually heard it in many years. What a blessing to have it on film forever. Afterward, we put in our engagement video that Kyle took at UBC in 98. His holler and joy and excitement for us is unforgettable.
Kyle, how we miss you. Thank you for your life, example, and love. And laugh.

Since I've been gone

2006-10-26T20:06:00.000-04:00

I know it's been awhile. Things have been busy. We leveled off the rise and fall of Brent's death, for now, and took a vacation to Michigan to Chris' parent's cabin on Lake Superior in the UP - basically Canada. We were there when they got a foot of snow in early October. Crazy. I'll post some pictures soon. Then I got sick, and it took a week to recover. We went to the Blue Ridge Parkway this past weekend to see the leaves. I'll post some of those pix too; they are incredible, and I am so thankful to live in such a beautiful part of the world.
This week I have been consumed with a few things. One of them is a conference I got to go to all day on Tuesday at Wake Forest Divinity led by Brian McLaren. Most of what he shared I had heard or read before, but it was fantastic to hear it again and think on it all again. I'll share one thing in particular that he said that has been resonating in my head. He was talking about our evangelistic approach to other religions and how the modern Christian has reacted in basically three ways: 1. to kill them, 2. to ignore them, or 3. to convert them. He challenged us to think of a forth way to respond, to love them. And to love them means to care enough to just do that period. Not love them with an ulterior motive to "lead them to Christ." Just love them. Maybe I'll write more thoughts some other time about this conference.
The second thing that has been consuming my week is the approaching anniversary of Kyle Lake's death. Kyle died on October 30. I'm not sure I even want to say anything about it right now but just to put it out there and prepare my heart. I am so grateful for the intermingling of his death with All Saints Day and even Halloween. I am grateful to be able to celebrate his life. Chris and I will light a candle on Monday for Kyle and remember all he taught us and how he embodied Christ. I'm sure I'll comment on it more later, but for now, I'm tired. That seems to be a common element in our life in the last year.

Feeling something right again?

2006-10-04T21:35:00.000-04:00

I have felt numb towards grief in the weeks following Brent's death (see Grace is... if you don't know what I'm referring to). Not denial, not a "oh, it's not real" kind of way. Just numb. Like I have been filled up to the top and can't take anymore. So I just don't feel anymore. I try to think of the grief of the approaching October 30th, Kyle's death, and what kind of feeling fall brings and I just can't feel anything. I think I'm afraid to return to that place again...I was just starting to heal, to be able to get rid of that nag in the back of my mind that said I couldn't truly live anymore because things were now all different. I was actually living again. And I guess I'm afraid to enter into that world of grief again. So I'm not feeling anything. Now, it's been easy to do because we have been so crazy busy, every moment it seems. I haven't really watched any tv, which is a true measure of my days!
We are embarking on a vacation Sunday night to Michigan to Chris' parent's cabin, after Chris preaches at a local church revival in place of Roger, our pastor. The assigned scripture is about the prodigal son, so I'm sure it will be a challenging sermon for us to hear. But I think the hardest part will be this song that we are going to sing as the choir. It was sung on Sunday, Sept. 10, which is significant for many reasons. 1. I didn't sing w/them because Chris was preaching and I prefer to see his face than the back of his head when he preaches. 2. It was amazing when they sang it and the congregation actually clapped. Really, it was heavenly. 3. When we sang it in rehearsal tonight I realized it was before. yes, before. It was the Sunday before Brent died, the Sunday before things just spun around and around in time like a merry-go-round, the last time things felt like they were going up instead of down. And it was hard to sing tonight.
Anyway, I am babbling, I'm afraid. I have many things to write to you about....I am actually starting a list of things to blog about when I have time. Maybe on vacation. But for now, know that I am numb. And maybe that is ok. Maybe sometimes you have to feel nothing before you can start feeling something right again. Maybe the only way to get on track is to sit off of it for a bit. After all, isn't rest one of God's commandments? I think our emotions need a rest too.

Blue Ridge Parkway View

2006-10-01T23:27:00.000-04:00

Notice the Moon in the sky. Amazing. Grace is having a Sunday afternoon to drive up the Blue Ridge Parkway with Chris and UB in the jeep and enjoy God's creation. This is about 30 minutes from our house. Grace is living this close to wonder and awe. I'll try to take some pictures soon of the views from Mount Airy.

Don't you wish you lived in Mount Airy?

2006-10-01T23:25:00.000-04:00

View of Pilot Mountain from Pipers Gap, about 15 minutes from our house. We can't see it like this, but just a bit of driving up the mountain and the views take your breath away.

Faith

2006-09-15T09:25:00.000-04:00

Faith is believing in things you cannot see. The reward of faith is seeing what you have believed.
Augustine Hippo

Grace is...

2006-09-14T18:38:00.000-04:00

Many of you know of the recent tragedy in our church family. At the church where Chris is the Associate Pastor (and only 1 of 3 paid staff): our pastor's adult son, Brent, has passed away suddenly (after a long battle with addictions) while the pastor and his wife (Roger and Deidra) were on a trip to the Grand Canyon (curtsey of our church for their 5 yr anniversary as pastor there). They were able to return to NC yesterday and have made funeral arrangements for Saturday.

In light of more grief, I have been thinking about grace and I thought I'd make a list of the ways grace has sustained me these last few days. After all, what else is there?

Grace is:

a job that I can leave at 2 in the afternoon when I received the bad news
our music minister and another church member who helped chris sort out what to do
a new baby forthcoming in our pastor's family to his daughter...soon to be born in a couple of weeks
our pastor's sister and husband already at the lodge waiting to join in a few days vacation with them when they learned this horrible news
the mountains in the distance of Mount Airy that I can only see on clear days like today, that remind me that God is always there even when I can't see Him, just like those mountains are always there even though I forget about them when it's hazy
an amazing church family that holds each other, holds us, and holds Roger and Deidra
a mentor like Jack Glasgow for Chris for 5 years while we were in Zebulon, who taught him how to be grace, love and peace in times like these
my husband
the fact that we felt called to Mount Airy almost a year ago and accepted a position that was newly created and will sustain Roger "for such a time as this" and the belief that we were called "for such a time as this"
words, thoughts, prayers, emails and phone calls from our own circle of friends who lift us up
my dog who immediately forgives me and loves me when I take out my grief on him by yelling and being ugly when he didn't do exactly what I wanted
David Crowder songs which provide me a way to express what I am feeling
the way the love of people embodies the love of Christ and helps me to see that love is more powerful than death. I'm not sure I have fully accepted that in this past year, maybe because we did so much of our grieving for Kyle on our own. But now, I see how the body of Christ is hurting and how their love for Roger and Deidra, and even Chris and I, is being the love of God. I can't even put it into words...I will have to think on that one for awhile.
hugs
being able to write here
tears

Roger has requested that we sing "Were it not for grace" at the funeral b/c the last time Brent was there, we sang that song. Last night we were practicing it and the main chorus says: "Were it not for grace, I can tell you where I'd be, wandering down some pointless road to nowhere, with my salvation up to me, I know how that would go, the battles I would face, forever running but losing the race, were it not for grace."

I know I can't understand what sustains us in this time....it is beyond my human comprehension. How is it possible that God gives us strength? How do we find grace at all? It is beyond what I will ever understand. And I praise Him that he gives it to us anyway, knowing, we will never get it.
Keep us in your prayers. Roger and Deidra Gilbert. Their daughter Kristi, her husband Jeff and daughter Jessi and soon to be baby Jake. Brent's wife, Jacki and daughter Autumn. Chris. Our church family. Grace, Grace, God's Grace.

What I was going to say...

2006-09-06T21:47:00.000-04:00

I was going to write this blog:
Have you ever felt like you were two seconds too late?
Chris and I were in Winston last night running errands (we're getting a king sized bed (!!) tomorrow and we needed new sheets, yea!, solid sleep for Natalie!!), and as we were returning to my work parking lot to pick up my car, we saw the most amazing sunset. I mean, seriously, probably the most amazing one we've seen here in NC. I'm not sure you can beat a Texas sunset. Texas may be lacking in a lot of aesthetics but sunsets it's not. But this one was a top 5 for sure.
Anyway, it was behind us as we were traveling, lit up the whole sky. We stopped to take a picture, but it was late and dinner was still waiting so we pressed on away from the sunset towards my car, where we would turn out of the parking lot and in about 10 minutes be driving into the sunset. I kept thinking, if we could just hurry up, we'll drive into it the whole way home and then I can enjoy the sunset while getting somewhere at the same time. That shows how much I know about the sun and time. I think the sunset changes faster than seconds when it is slipping off the horizon and by the time we got my car and got on the road, it was pretty much gone. And all I could think about telling you was how I was two seconds too late (ok, a little more than that, but it sounds good). I kept thinking of how I shouldn't have taken as long at Target to look at sheets...THEN we would have caught the sunset. And it made me think about the weekend and what else I might have missed out on because I was "two seconds" too late. I was in a bad mood and criticized Chris and missed out on some time together. You get the point...I was thinking of all the times I've missed something amazing because I was doing the wrong thing.
But,
then I realized...
that's not the right blog to write. Because it shouldn't be about what I missed out on. It should be about what I DID get to experience. So I didn't get to drive home into the sunset, but at least I saw it. If I could learn to live my life in a state of thankfulness instead of regret, I think I could learn to be more like Christ.

Something to ponder over for my next blog, "How do you want to be remembered?"
I've been thinking about death again...Steve Erwin, the Crocodile Hunter, died this week, and that makes me really sad. Chris and I watched him all the time when we were first married and one year I taught geography on Australia and used his show for several lessons. Thinking of him reminds me of "those earlier days." So I'm sad for the passing of that time of my life, I'm sad for our loss of his life and excitement and enthusiasm for nature, but I'm also sad for his wife and young kids. And I see a lot of parallels between him and Kyle...they both died doing what they loved and left this world too early and taught us more than we will ever grasp. Anyway, it's got me thinking about what they will be remembered for and what I will be remembered for. Of course, that's a different question than how I WANT to be remembered. Think on it with me for a few days.

Final thought...if you haven't seen V for Vendetta, you need to. Maybe we can discuss together sometime soon. It's been in my mind all week, very powerful.

A little slow on the tag

2006-08-30T11:30:00.000-04:00

A long time ago (like Feb/Mar), Chris tagged me on his blog and I'm finally getting around to responding. Feel free to comment on your own answers!

4 jobs I’ve had:
Teacher (2 years of 5th, 4th, 3rd - 5th is my favorite)
Administrative Assistant
Communications Assistant
Various and many temp jobs

4 movies I’d watch on repeat:
Any romance/comedy with Meg Ryan
Any romance/comedy with Sandra Bullock (except for that sequel to Speed)
Saved
The Big Fish

4 TV shows I love:
Friends, of course
Mad About You
America’s Top Model (guilty pleasure)
House Hunters

(ok, I’m sounding more and more lame….at least I have a husband who keeps me hip)

4 Vacation locales I’d love to hit:
Again, Hawaii
Again, Ithaca
Anywhere on the West Coast (never seen it before)
Anywhere in New England

4 Websites I visit daily:
Does gmail count?
Weather.com (of course)
Local TV station, along with CNN
Chris’ blog, along with others, weekly

4 Foods I lust after:
This pasta and veggies dish I got from Hilton Head diet (sautéed squash, zucchini, onions, garlic with Rotini noodles and parmesan cheese)
A good key lime pie (like from Cheesecake Factory, which is actually Key Lime Pie Cheesecake)
A good salad (like from Outback)
A good piece of pizza (must have soft but crunchy dough, lots of sauce and good cheese)

4 changes I’d make to the house:
Considering we rent, here’s what I want in our first home purchase
A fenced-in, safe yard for UB
A large living room (no need for two, just make sure the one is big)
A dining room
I’d LOVE a pool!

4 people I tag next:
Any of you!

one of my favorite things

2006-08-25T13:53:00.000-04:00

I have always known that I love to talk and that I love to be with people. So it is no surprise that one of my favorite things is to talk with people that I love to be with. However, this past weekend at my birthday surprise, I realized, more than ever, how much one of my favorite things is to be at a table with people who know me well and know each other well and for all of us to be talking and laughing.
This summer while in Texas, I was able to draw in my favorite friends from my past and have a "we're turning/turned 30" party. It was so great to catch up with each of them and share a moment of their lives. However, there was a point in my reflection of our time together that I realized that our collective "group" relationship really no longer exists. I know each of these women and love them dearly and keep up with their lives and share things about mine. But as a group we have less and less in common and will probably never all hang out together again. I know that could be a sad thing to say, but I have no doubts that we will always stay in touch individually. It's ok that our time as a group has past...such is the way of life.
This bemoaning of loss of a group friendship led me to wonder if I have allowed the group to be replaced. We have lived in NC for 6 years now, and I definitely think of it as home. I have fallen in love with the landscape, people and culture, as strange as it may be (side note: please see the movie Junebug and you will know what the heart of Carolina, and more importantly, the Triad area where we live, is like). But I had to ask myself, have I let people into my life? Do I have friends I can call my own?
Well, this past weekend was my birthday, and Chris took me to Raleigh as a surprise. We went to eat at our favorite restaurant, Twisted Fork, and when we walked in, I saw my good friend, Natalie, from Raleigh. I soon learned that my other friends from Raleigh were arriving as well. Oh, we had a great time, and as I leaned back and surveyed the table, our stomachs full from good food and wine, I realized, this is what I love and that I have let new relationships into my life.
We all know - it is never easy to start over. We wonder why it has to be done at all. And this dread of starting over often leads lovers to stay in unfit relationships or employees to stay at unsatisfying jobs, friends to hang on too tight to the past, or all of us to fear death. But starting over is a grace in and of itself. It forces us to reexamine what we were living for in the first place and why we are who we are. And when we finally abandon all of the past and throw ourselves into the present, we learn to create new life. It is a beautiful thing.
Believe it or not, we are closing in on the one year anniversary of moving to Mount Airy. It has been a rough year for sure, with the new environment one of the easiest parts. So I use these thoughts of starting over and finding myself at the table with my new friends to ask myself if I have immersed myself in the people I am surrounded by now. I look forward to the blessing of sitting at the table one day and realizing we have created new life. I pray the same for your life as well....may God give us the strength to invest in starting over...whatever "over" that may be.

2006-08-20T00:39:00.000-04:00

Congrats, Jenny!

2006-08-20T00:38:00.001-04:00

The fam

2006-08-20T00:38:00.000-04:00

2006-08-20T00:37:00.000-04:00

My sister, Jenny, and her fiance, Jed, before her graduation.

Like Sand in the Hourglass...

2006-08-16T14:58:00.000-04:00

Time is a strange thing. We all know it drags on and on when we are younger...waiting to be old enough to wear makeup, waiting to be old enough to date, waiting to be old enough to drive, waiting for the clock to get to 3:00 so we can leave school. It seems I was always waiting for something until I hit 18 and went to college. Then time passed a little more quickly, but I never felt like it was too fast. I still say that college is the best time of your life (though I am starting to value this time of my life more) - you know: all the freedom, naps, friends, food, mom and dad to still take care of the mundane responsibilities, and time seemed to pass at just the right rate. After I graduated and got married, whoosh....time hasn't stopped yet. Now, sure, there have been those weeks and even seasons that drag on - bad jobs, bad days, days of grief, bad weather. But overall, time just never stops anymore.
This past weekend I realized more than ever how much time has gone by. I went to Texas to see my little (and only) sister Jenny graduate from college. I vividly remember sitting in an arena 4 years ago in Illinois where she started college listening to the welcome address and how they would be the class of 2006. But more than that, I realized my sister is becoming a woman. Anne joined me at dinner and hung out afterwards as we went for drinks with Jenny's friends and fiance. How can she be old enough for friends, a fiance, and drinks?
I'm sure our relationship is more complex than most siblings as we are 7 1/2 years apart (I have always said the 1/2 part...I don't know why). In many regards, I was a second mother to her - not in her later years as I went to college when she was in 5th grade and Chris and I moved to NC when she was 16, but I have always told her what to do, asked her to do her chores, and mothered her as much as I could get away with. So maybe in a small way, I can understand what parents feel when they see their birds leave the nest. I'm sure that her wedding day will be a flood of emotions that my own wedding day did not even bring. I am so thankful for the relationship we are growing into together as she matures and our life situations become more of the same. But none the less, when did she grow up??
Ok, so maybe all this lamenting of time is coming from the fact that I am turning 30 on Friday. I am excited about being 30 and saying I am in my 30's and living through my third decade. I have always longed to be older than I am because someone older than me was always saying, "Oh, you're so young, you can't understand." or "You're too young to remember this, but..." and it has always bothered me. Nevermind the fact that I could still pass for a high schooler. But the last few weeks, 30 is starting to weigh kinda heavy on me. I'm not dreading it, but I think I'm understanding the magnitude of what it is (or at least, is in my mind). There were all those things that I was going to do before I was 30. Not many are actually on my list of accomplishments. And 30 is so "old," I never said, "When I am 30, I hope I..." Instead it was, "When I'm 20..." I never thought about 30 or beyond. I remember counting out how old I would be when the year 2000 hit, and I remember thinking how old I thought I would be when I had my first child or got married...none of those ages was 30 or beyond. Or how OLD 60 used to be...not anymore! So 30 feels heavier than it used to because now I am approaching the side of "not so young" and my future somehow seems narrower. If I were to talk to my grandparents, I know they would say I still have a lifetime ahead of me, and I know it's never too late to chase a dream, but maybe now my dreams are becoming simpler or smaller somehow. I'm not sure that is a bad thing, it's just a different thing.
Maybe time has much more to do with expectations...when we were younger, we didn't expect as much. Now we have this idea of how things are supposed to go and then they come and go and even if they happen the way we wanted, we've already played them out in our minds so they go much faster. It's like the real experience is the re-run.
The bottom line is I am amazed that it is August of 2006, that I am turning 30, that my sister has graduated from college, that my parents are celebrating their 35th anniversary, that time is going so quickly.
One blessing I should not miss in all of this is that my life is being lived well; otherwise, I'd still be counting down the seconds.

Addendum to "That Darn Bone"

2006-08-11T13:33:00.000-04:00

***Note*** If you haven't read "That Darn Bone," read it first and then read this addendum.

Thursday at work, I was getting ready to go the airport and because of heightened security, I was cleaning out my purse...you know, making sure I didn't have any lotion that would blow up the plane. As I looked in all the many pockets of my North Face messenger bag, guess what I found.
Yeah, my house key. As soon as I saw it, I remembered putting it there in June after we went to CBF in Atlanta and Ryan watched our dog for us. So Wed. night I sat in the driveway for 1 1/2 hrs and if I'd only cleaned out my purse....
I guess I wouldn't have had as funny of a story to tell you.
Sigh. I get what I ask for sometimes....
More to come on Jenny's graduation!

That Darn Bone

2006-08-09T20:59:00.000-04:00

Warning: this blog is not insightful. Please have a laugh at my expense.

The day from hell, otherwise titled My own cluster****

1. I ended my work day a little peeved. I worked until 5:30, which is important later. Also important to say that Chris was at my office all day in a youth ministers meeting w/one of the coordinators. We saw each other about 3 times. We did not realize this would be important until about 6:45 tonight.
2. I stopped to get gas on the way home b/c I was going to have to walk home if I didn't. Picked a random place I hadn't been before and quickly decided on Shell on the right instead of Chevron on the left b/c there was a guy riding my bumper as I exited. The height of the gas pumps confused me (it was extra tall...had to stand on tippytoes to reach credit card slot) and caused me to not pay attention when I grabbed what I thought was the low octane pump. As I was filling I thought, wow, when did gas go up to $3.19??? Then I realized they sneakily put the low grade in the middle instead of on the end, and it was $2.99, so I was paying 20 cents more! Then looked across the street and saw that gas at Chevron was 2cents cheaper there! Then realized I got the slowest pump ever b/c the guy across from me filled up and had his passengers come out w/food before I was halfway through. I didn't fill my tank all the way as to not reward Shell for their sneakiness. This may be a mistake down the road as I end up wasting about 1/4 of a tank of this expensive gas later about 7:15 tonight.
3. After arriving in Mount Airy, I went to the drug store. I spent about 15 min in the parking lot of the drug store finishing my conversation with Chris. This is important for two reasons: A. I will end up needing those minutes later and can't get them back. B. Chris and I were talking on the phone instead of in person b/c though he is normal at church on a Wed night (which would make him very close to me), tonight he is an hour and half away at a funeral visitation for one of our church member's brothers (which makes him very far away). I was telling him about point #1 and 2 above.
4. Once inside said drug store to buy birth control pills that must be taken on Sunday, I have a lengthy conversation w/the pharmacist about why I will not be walking out of store with pills. The short version is that my insurance didn't want to give them to me last month b/c I requested them 2 days too early so I had to order them from Tyler when I was visiting in July and now my NC store can't get the prescription w/o calling Tyler. Since I didn't have the number w/me and I will be in Tyler tomorrow night, I'm going to get it filled there. Still a hassle though! I waste about 30 valuable minutes here coming out empty handed and will still have to deal with it all tomorrow and Friday in Tyler.
5. Leaving drug store, I call my mom to explain point #4 and get Tyler phone number and drive into my driveway. As we are on the phone I try to walk into my house and realize Chris has locked the garage door (which he never does...he even forgets at night sometimes). No problem, I'll just use my house key. Then I struggle to find said key. Oh, wait, we gave it to the landlord to get into the house while we were out of town b/c he would need to check on roof leak from a month ago. And everything feels a little more urgent b/c now I have to pee. Thankfully Chris is not w/the family at the funeral parlor yet, so I can talk to him on the phone (but he did end up in an eternal line that will not bring him home until about 10 pm tonight. ) But he does have landlord's phone number!
6. Yeah! Landlord is not out of town (which he often is) and can probably get me a key, but he's just sat down to dinner with his wife for her birthday and the key is at their office (now I'm wishing I had those 45 min back from point #3 and 4), and it will be an hour before he can get to the office to get key.
7. After a few tears are shed at my frustration, I decide I need to eat b/c it's now 7:00. So I go to local Quiznos to get salad and run into prospective church member who owns Quiznos and took Chris and I to lunch to discuss church recently. While there I still have to use the bathroom, though it won't be a completely successful trip (womanly reasons) so while they are preparing my salad, I use their bathroom. Time to flush...whoops, the toilet cloggs! (and all I did was pee!) So now have to go and tell prospective church member their toilet is clogged. You can imagine the embarrassment....so I don't eat my salad there - take it to go. Eat in driveway instead w/AC running b/c it's desert hot out and mosquitoes will eat me alive. Now I waste 1/4 of that expensive gas. I did have an invite to go to church member's house while son was home but I kept thinking, surely landlord will be faster than an hour.
8. 1 hr, 15 min later, 8:00, landlord calls, has key at office. 8:25 inside house, take dog out to bathroom and eat, use bathroom myself. Now I can't find dog. Go into extra bedroom where roof leaked (a month ago) and he's in the corner behind the file cabinet. Oh, great, is dog sick? No, he's wagging tail when I walk in. Oh....poor guy....Chris threw a dog treat back there this morning and he's been waiting all day to have it back. Not sure whose day was worse...mine or his. He saw me sitting in driveway for 1 1/2 hrs wanting that darn bone!

When Sorrows Like Sea Billows Roll...

2006-08-06T14:38:00.000-04:00

It's been a long time since I wrote. One season has ended and another has almost come and gone (I like to think of August as the end of the summer, though I know we have another month of heat to endure). I have had many times of thought and needed to write, but I haven't made the effort or space to do so. Maybe that has a purpose too; some things brew inside of me much longer than others and as a good Brewery would suggest, that can produce better product (ok, I don't really know what I'm talking about in regards to the Brewery).
I should have titled this blogspot "Dealing with Death" or something like it as my writings tend to lead me back to grief, but I was hoping that eventually I would write about more than death and it would just be a "Renewing of My Mind." And hopefully someday I will write about more, but this summer I have realized how much I am still struggling with grief.
Let's start at the beginning: Chris and I, along with 3 other adults, took our youth to New York City this summer for a mission trip. It was a great experience that seemed to happen in a blink of an eye. I enjoyed getting to know our youth and being in the city and the many mission activities we participated in. But the trip ended up being cathartic for me in a way I wasn't expecting. Most evenings we were led by a group of college students representing the organization MissionsConnect in a time of worship. The music guy played some songs on his guitar and our small group of 20 would sing along. Rather than being awkward because of our small size, it was an intimate and personal time together. The second night, the leader chose to sing "It is Well With My Soul." We all know this to be a moving and powerful song in and of its own, but it now holds even more meaning for me as we sang this song at Kyle's funeral. I had not even heard it sung anywhere since that day in November until that day when we were sitting in the 7th floor meeting room at PolyTech overlooking the Manhattan skyline. I found my mouth could not form the word, my heart was racing and all I wanted to do was escape the room. Tears ran down my cheeks and I was terrified of being noticed, and yet wanted to scream what I was feeling at the same time. I didn't sing a word and tried to think of other things and was a little bit angry at the leader for choosing such a sacred song to sing. A couple of nights later we had a time of "Experiential Worship" where we could move around stations set up in the room and experience different types of thought - like prayer, meditation, writing, labyrinth, etc. So I found myself at the table of "Letting Go" where you write down something you are holding on to that is hindering your communication with God on a piece of cloth (I think we read the story of Lazarus?) and tape it to a cross. I stared at that cloth with nothing to say.
"What is hindering me?
Do I even want to connect to God?
And the only words that would pour out of my mind was "It is Well With My Soul."
What kind of crap is that?
Sneaky! How can that be what is hindering me?"
So it's come to this, between me and God...my choice to hold on to my grief.
My decision to NOT let it go...because the truth was it was NOT well with my soul and I felt everyone else was fooling themselves. How could Dave Crowder actually believe he was praising God in his concerts days after Kyle's death? How were others I continually read about able to "see God's glory and praise him" because of the message being spread because of Kyle's death? They were in denial or had way more faith than I did. Because none of it was OK by me. I felt God had let me down and, just like a child with their parent, if he let me down, he was going to have to EARN my trust again.
So I brewed on this for awhile in New York. I wrote on that cloth that I needed to let go of my grief and my distrust in God over Kyle's death, but I didn't actually believe that I would let it go anytime soon.
Fast forward a week to my trip to Texas where I saw family and friends for about 10 days. It was very relaxing and much cherished time with them all, even while Chris was still in NC, going to camp with the youth and then unexpectedly dealing with his grandfather's sudden death and funeral in Michigan. On Sunday we are sitting in the "Southtown" service of the church I was a part of the later years of high school. This is also the church that Kyle Lake is from, and I was hoping to see his parents, who were actually in Waco at the building dedication that day. Anyway, now this church has two church buildings and the one we were at was the "contemporary" service. I do NOT like contemporary services. I prefer high church...I would regularly attend an Episcopal service if I believed in all their theology. But if I have to go the other way, then send me to an all out artist service - loudest music you can bear, and good quality too, all the instruments of a band, dimmed lights, candles, art, no program or "order of service", completely on it's own - UBC style. So contemporary is not for me, especially with guitars and old people, but this church is trying so I tried to see past its flaws. The pastor, whom I greatly respect and always look forward to listening to, begins his sermon that had something to do with dancing. I don't really remember the rest because it started a train of thought I desperately needed to ride on and I checked out of his talk. I meditated on the issue of whether or not I felt there was anything to dance for. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my life. I love my husband, I love where we live, I love our ministry, I love my dog, I love my family and friends. I know the beauty of a sunset and the amazing smell of lavender. So I'm not talking about the depressing "is there anything to dance for?" (I've been there and this wasn't it) But just the philosophical question, do I truly feel God has given me a reason to dance? And I realized that I just didn't feel like I had the right to. I would be too hypocritical because I was still angry at him. And I'm not going to dance with someone I'm angry at.
So fast forward another week (I know, this blog is a lot longer than I thought...I'm cramming one summer in here, remember), and (one of my) best friend Jo and I are riding together from Tyler to Memphis and then to Nashville where my car is waiting for me to drive myself from Nashville to Mount Airy. We leave her 1 yr old son in Memphis with her mother-in-law and continue on in the dark to Nashville to her new house and we start a conversation about Kyle's death. I have not talked with anyone, besides Chris, who actually knows Kyle about his death since Novemberish. And with all the issues I was struggling with, I needed to get it all out. We had a good, good conversation. I said some of my fears aloud that I had been afraid to say, as to make them true. Like whether I believed in God's goodness. Or whether we needed salvation. It wasn't that blunt, but that was the heart of where I was at. How could I trust in a God who had so obviously let me down?
Just having the conversation left me a little lighter. And as I'm traveling the 7 hrs home from Nashville to Mt A, I decide to listen to all of Dave Crowder's CDs in descending order, so I start with Collision B, which is hard to listen to, but needed. I had refused to play Illuminate since Kyle's death because it seemed too hopeful and happy for me, but it was truly cathardic, especially my favorite song, Deliver Me, which had already carried me through the depths of my homesickness and depression after moving to NC and a bad teaching experience (and 9/11 for that matter).
Ok, so fast forward once more to a week ago when Chris and I took our random vacation to Ithaca, NY. By far one of our top 3 vacations ever, if not the top, and many opportunities to think and discuss God, and not just with each other. I didn't spend much time in prayer or meditation or study. I didn't spend much time in worship or music, nor did I try to contemplate the state of my soul. But somehow God began to transform me. He allowed me to leave a bit of my grief in New York City and a bit of my grief in Texas and a bit more in Ithaca, so that what I am left with now is almost gone.
I used to still feel the heaviness in my heart when I thought of October 30 and getting the call about Kyle's death. I would still get the lump in my throat when I would say, "when Kyle died...". I would still be surprised at my mind wandering to a moment of grief over something simple or when I would wake up from having a dream about Kyle smiling or being goofy in the corner where he shouldn't be. And I'm not saying that I won't feel these things again. Lord knows, we can't understand our grief or when it will hit. But the load is easier to bear. The walk is easier to take. And I am learning to accept his hand again, even with trepidation, even with a bit of anger hanging on. Like that first hug I give my husband after a fight, or the first time I would see my parents after I was so mad at them, it's something small that gives in, a tiny part of me that lets go and can see that there will be a time when I am healed, a time when I can fully trust again, a time when I will want to dance with the One who made me. And I can praise him for that. And maybe that's all I can hang on to, but it gives me a chance to say, for this moment and in this thought, "it is well with my soul."
And so now, I look to a new season. I am ready for the fall leaves, the fresh air, my favorite time of year. The changes it means to me. I have always thought our calendar year should start over in fall not the dead of winter because for me, fall signals the beginning of change that will lead to newness of life. I don't think of fall as the last hurrah before Winter's death...I think of fall as the beginning of the cycle that takes us through Winter to Spring and Easter. I had been dreading fall because Kyle's death came smack in the middle of it - like I couldn't enjoy fall because of what it represented. But now I am beginning to see that the change is good. God will work in it still. And ultimately God is working in me still. Praise the Lord, O my soul. Ps 146:1

2006-08-02T20:52:00.000-04:00

UB starting his trip to Ithaca.

A vacation from heaven!

2006-08-02T20:11:00.000-04:00

Here's where Chris and I went for our vacation. See if you can guess. Here's three hints:
1. It's 10 hours north of where we live.
2. Cornell University is located here.
3. Formed by glaciers!
More to come...sorry it's been awhile.

Silence and Sacrifice

2006-03-23T19:54:00.000-05:00

Silence. Sacrifice.
Tonight is the first night I am really struggling with my vow to reduce my television watching during Lent. It has been surprising easy...not because of the temptation being reduced and my strength being great, mind you, but because my life has been very abnormal since, well, Ash Wednesday. Tonight is the first night I have come home from work at a reasonable time (3:30), did not fall asleep from exhaustion or illness, did not have other business to attend to, and could just, well, watch TV. I did not watch any TV last night, so I permitted myself to double up on my "time allowance" and watch 3 hrs of TV...all from TiVo, of course. I watched my sitcom Mad About You, America's Top Model (ok, I didn't say they were good indulgences), and Black.White.
[I am absolutely crazy about Black.White. If you haven't heard about it, it's a project (= reality TV, with less editing) where a white family is put into make-up to be black and a black family is made up to be white and the two families share a house together and "try out" each other's worlds while talking about it at home. Now it's on FX, so there is lots of language, but I feel the producers have done a good job of keeping it real. I am so intrigued by the white families' bigotry and the black families' stereotypes. And my own bigotry and stereotypes. I wish I could be in that project. I'll talk about my thoughts on it some other blog.]
Anyway, that's not my ramble for tonight. After my 3 hrs of TV were over, it was only 7 (yes, I get home early, but my day starts at 6:20 am and I don't get to pee whenever I want, ok?). So now what? If you read chris' blog, then you would know that he is off snowboarding today - his last hurrah before spring takes away his new passion - and he won't be home until late. I usually eat dinner in front of the TV when I'm alone and I have a little school work to attend to...also usually done in front of the TV. And I know I could justify it by turning on the all important Duke game because I don't really "watch" that...but I know in my heart I need to make a sacrifice.
So now I have returned to the beginning...silence and sacrifice. Why did I make this sacrifice of no TV? Why do I give up anything for Lent?
I am reminded of Chris' excellent lesson last night on "Making All Things New" (Henry Nouwen). We think the answer to our problem of busyness - i.e. not hearing or being with God for our "busy lives" - is to stop and go into retreat or silence. But what Nouwen proposes and what Chris explained is that while retreat or isolation may be a later result, God did not ask us to leave the world, to stop life, to stop living in order to be with Him. When we look to Jesus' example, he never stopped BEING. I think that sacrifice for Lent, and my current situation - silence, relates to this "in Him we live and move and have our being" by saying, OK, my normal life can be all the busy things that I do as long as I know why. As long as I have a purpose greater than the acts themselves. As long as I have a center, a motivation, a grounding, and that is the will of God. And in the season of Lent, I need to be more purposeful about that. I need to see that my life is centered. My life is grounded. My life has a meaning greater than me. And so I turn off my TV and struggle with the silence, not to say, "I am abandoning my normal way of living to be something different before You, God. I am changing who I normally am in order to hear Your voice." No rather, I am saying, "I am living. I am loving. I am life. But my life is not my own. So I can control it and say, be still. I need to hear my Maker."
So, bare down on me, silence. I need to be confronted with where my center has been. And where it needs to be...

On a side note, I see spring in a whole new way this year. Oh, how I have needed the change. Fall and Winter have been only one thing for me...grief. And to see the flowers arriving, the trees changing, the birds singing and playing...I see...well, I embrace beauty. And I am living life to the fullest. Kyle would be pleased. Praise God for his example.

Facing Lent

2006-02-27T18:56:00.000-05:00

On another note (from the post I just added below), I have been wrestling with what to give up for Lent - well, actually I know what to give up, I'm just not sure if I can. I plan to give up TV. Not entirely...I don't want to set myself up for 40 days of guilt because I keep breaking my promise. But I'm going to
reduce it drastically. And I have decided that part of the sacrifice of Lent should be about replacing your sacrifice with something holy.
So in the place of TV watching, I plan to read more, write more, connect with old friends AND new (what a challenge!), and exercise. It sounds like a lot of new things...but I watched a LOT of TV. I want you to hold me accountable and I plan to write about my struggles; actually I hope I will be writing more because of my struggles.
So I'm writing now because it is beginning to get dark, the entertainment unit is beckoning me to open it, Chris will not be home for several hours so I am ALONE and the silence is becoming maddening.
I know Lent has not started yet. But I feel the need to begin my discipline now. Why wait? So I will try to resist tonight. But thanks for being here for me when I need support.
By the way, I hope you take time to find a service to attend on Ash Wednesday (that's March 1). This was a tradition I completely missed out on by growing up in the Southern Baptist World of Texas and the Bible Belt. I promise that very close to you are several services going on all day on Wednesday - try your local Episcopal church for a real treat or the less threatening Methodist service if you need help. We should all be forced to spend at least one day a year being
reminded that we are but dust. And to dust we will return.

Back from Retreat

2006-02-27T18:48:00.000-05:00

I have just "returned" from a day of retreat...except that I didn't go anywhere. At least not from my house. I certainly went somewhere that I needed to go. Let me explain.

One of the perks of my previous job was being able to attend a Day of Silent Retreat twice a year at an area convent, preceding the two main seasons of church life: Advent and Lent. Now that I live in a new town and have a teaching job, I have not discovered a way to return to this luxury just yet. However, Sunday morning I woke up feeling awful - headache, weak, nauseous, dizzy - probably fighting a bug from my students. And by 7 that night I decided I should take today off from school; I didn't feel well enough to deal with my students and I had just read Chris' friend Greg's sermon from that morning where he encouraged his congregation to take time during Lent to be in silence daily. And I realized, I have an opportunity to have my own retreat at home, while recovering from being sick. It would take discipline...I couldn't turn on the TV or spend time on the internet, and I couldn't sleep the day away. But I knew it was necessary - in fact I needed this day more for my soul than for my health.

I knew exactly where I would start, but I was afraid to begin. For almost 4 months (close to the day actually), I have been putting off reading Kyle Lake's Understanding God's Will. I had meant to read it a year ago but had forgotten until we returned from Kyle's funeral. And so when we got back, I found it on the bookshelf, set it on my nightstand and looked at it almost daily, dreading the feelings it would bring when I opened the cover. I thought I knew what I was running from - the pain and grief of losing Kyle to death. But today shocked me at what I found.

Somewhere in the pages, I just started crying, and my tears were not just for the life lost that was too young. My tears were for the life I lost in God. I was so angry at God, anger I thought I had already left behind, anger I thought I had because of death. But instead I was angry because I thought if I followed His ways, if I was his disciple, I would be protected from certain heartbreaks. Sure, life would be tough, but in a "I wouldn't win the lottery" kind of way.
I thought certainly I would be protected from death at a young age; that my husband who gave his life to the ministry would be protected from death also; and that my friends, such as Kyle, who also were ministers would be protected. So I wept today. Realizing that I had hung my
hat on Christianity with a deal. A deal I thought I was granted because I believed. "See, I'll follow you, as long as you allow me certain rights above those around me who do not follow." I would say the words and thought I believed them, that Christianity doesn't bring
exemption. But obviously, I did not believe them.
And then I realized that I have not really spoken to God since Kyle's death. Not in my heart anyway.
Because now I have to find out why I believe in this God. Why do I put my trust in his promises, why would I strive to live his ways if there is no protection, no trade-off?
So I cried today for the life I left behind on October 31 with Kyle's death. First I cried tears of anger that I had to leave that life behind at all and then I cried tears of pain in having to find a new way, but what I know will be a better way.
I have not finished Kyle's book yet; but so far I have heard him loud and clear. This life is not about the end result: God's will. This life is about the journey. Kyle lived that belief to the fullest.
One reason we grieve so hard is that we know we needed his example. I will struggle with how to live in the now, living in the journey, allowing my relationship with God to be about the relationship and nothing more. And I will have times of failure. But I can't go back. I must be changed. Otherwise, Kyle taught me nothing. And more importantly, God taught me nothing.

The Sunflower

2006-02-20T18:00:00.000-05:00

Thanks for letting me rant and rave last week. Chris asked me the night I wrote the blog what I was specifically writing about - he said I never really addressed the issue of what made me so angry at the school system. Well, my response took about 30 minutes to explain all that was bothering me, so I will spare you the details (and myself the typing). I think my point was not the specifics but the general frustration I have with the top-down approach of the education system right now. Again, thanks for reading.
I want to apologize if I offended you in any way. I won't write about my political views here much because I know we all might think many different things, so I'm sorry if my views are not the same as yours. I do not mean to offend.
On a completely different note, I have to recommend a book for you to read. I've only read the first section, but it has been swirling about in my mind for days now. The Sunflower by Simone Weisenthal (spelling?) is a book about forgiveness and redemption, essentially. Mr. Weisenthal was a Jewish man who survived the holocaust and later became a "Nazi hunter" seeking out SS soldiers and others and sending them to their trials and sentencing - many of them to death. But the book is about an experience he had in a concentration camp when he was pulled aside in a hospital where he was working to see a dying SS soldier. The soldier wanted to repent and be redeemed for his sins - among the many - murder of many Jews. Weisenthal wrestles with his decision and eventually walks away from the man's bedside, unable to offer forgiveness - especially as he himself is still facing death every hour. After that section of the book, others discuss his situation and what they would do in his place. I haven't started that part of the book yet. I have been wondering if I would be able to forgive someone who had that much evil in their lives. And Weisenthal proposes the question of whether the SS soldier's crime is the only forgiveness needed? What about the others who did nothing to stop the slaughter of the Jews, what about those who mocked and humiliated them before the holocaust even began? I haven't come to any decision yet. I'm not sure I can. But it's certainly worth thinking over.
How much I'd rather think about the complex and serious issue of forgiveness rather than the state of the education system!

No Teacher Left Standing

2006-02-16T16:15:00.000-05:00

I will never be a career teacher. I am just hoping to make it 2 years. If I can last that long.
I'll go back to school, find another profession, find another way to "make a difference." And that's unfortunate because I think I'm pretty good at teaching kids.
The running joke at our school, and I'm sure at others around the country, is the phrase "No teacher left standing" in response to the Bush administration's "No child left behind." I will not contain my feelings for the Bush Administration: they will have done more damage in 8 years in all areas of our country so that we may never recover. And education is taking the hardest hit - well, besides our environment. But this is not a Bush bashing...except to say that America should be ashamed of the way that education has fallen...and continues to fall. And I blame all of us - me and you - but mostly those in power.
I came home today in such a disappointed, frustrated rage, I had to write my feelings to you. My anger is not directed entirely at my administration, believe me, I have worked for the devil posed as a Principal so my current school is minor injury, but I'm angry at the whole system in general. There really will be "no teacher left standing" in a few years. Why would anyone put up with all of the rules, red tape and just plain crap that we have to deal with? ANY other job in the world, and it would have collapsed and filed for bankruptcy by now. Why did I go to college and get an education to have other people tell me how to do my job and give me no say in what happens? Why do people pretend to trust teachers when the bottom line is no one does? Parents constantly question our every move and are courted by administration (not my problem yet this year but certainly was in the past and happens all day long to those around me). Administrators - our direct ones and especially central office - tell us what to do all the time and never get our opinion, even though they either fled teaching themselves b/c of the crap or were never in the classroom. The state and federal governments put a requirement on us from people in the business world who have no idea what they are doing and actually limit our funding based on whatever measurement they want. None of us actually have any control over what we do and yet we are supposed to be the experts. That's what we went to school for, right?
I had the privilege of working at 2 different private schools. They both had problems, hard ones- there is no perfect place. However, the bottom line was that I actually felt like I had a say in what I taught, how I taught, what strategies I used to help my kids who were behind, what needed to be done to include a child or parent, and was asked my opinion and input in all aspects of my classroom. That was it - it was MY classroom. They were MY students, and I was viewed as the expert in MY field - teaching. I was only 22 and 23, and yet I had so much respect.
But not in the public school world. No, all teachers are idiots, and we need someone to tell us what to do every minute of the day and figure out for us how to reach students. Why don't they replace us with robots? And unfortunately, that reflects on how we treat our students. In the private school, I let them make more decisions, I involved them in the process, I asked their advise and opinion on matters. I was shown respect and grace by my "higher-ups" so in turn, I passed that same grace and respect on to my students. But in the public school world where we feel boxed in, pressured, frustrated and controlled, we tend to treat our students that way as well. I try to correct myself, but it's just natural. Instead I end up trying to control their movements...because someone, somewhere is judging me - AND PAYING ME - based on how that child does.
I don't know what the answer is completely, but I know it starts with control. Give us teachers the right to make decisions for our students. Don't fall behind the facade of "what about the bad apples?" Then don't hire them in the first place! Don't even allow those people in the profession. Don't be so desperate to have a warm body that you take someone who is not qualified.
As far as private vs. public school, trust me, I have a bleeding heart for the poor and down trodden. That is why I entered teaching in the first place. I'm sure that is what makes me a democrat. I want to help these students, so I don't want to be forced into a private school that doesn't reach these kids. But I also don't want to be a puppet. Especially when what I am being asked to do is NOT the way to help students. Just leave me alone, and LET ME TEACH!
I know that every year the schools lose good teachers. We are being driven out by those who can't let us have control. One day there will be none left standing.

Searching for Stories

2006-01-17T20:51:00.000-05:00

When I dreamed of having a cyber-space to call my own, I thought that I would write on my blog spot all the time. While I had a desk job and checked the internet hourly, I had all these great ideas (and time) to write...but I just never committed to the web. When I finally signed on, somehow I thought life would be like that again. Boy was I wrong! Not only do I not have any time (or the time I do have, I'm crashed on the couch), but I feel like I have few ideas to share with you. My deep insights seem to consist of how much I HATE getting up before the sun everyday or whether or not I can survive without a break for 6 weeks until March 10 (our February Inservice Day was taken away by an ice day in December and this wickedly warm weather leaves no snow day chances in sight!). I feel like my life is too boring right now to write much. Do you really want to know about the new writing time I am trying out on my kids or how I'm going to squeeze in 15 minutes of Reading Remediation during my scheduled Science/Social Studies classes? I could tell you fun stories about my first Friday the 13th as a teacher again....the overly ADHD boy I have in my class who purposely kicked his shoe off but accidentally sent it into the woods on the other side of the playground fence in the brush and mud...but I don't really want to relive it again.
Working on this new writing process time with my kids, I needed to bring in an item that they could interview me about in order to start a story that they could "watch" me write. I struggled to find an object that represented anything recent in my life. Pictures of our new furniture (the first of our 6 years of marriage - well, not counting the beautiful coffee table our friends helped us buy the first year)? Nah, that's boring to them and me. My ski jacket to represent our recent ski trip? While fun for me, not much to share right now. Then I realized, the one story that is still bottled up inside of me, waiting to come out, would be represented by one picture that I keep in my Bible and stumble across about once a month. It's a picture of Kyle Lake pretending to heal his brother-in-law Scott in the entry way of UBC during Chris' senior year of college - 1999. Kyle is trying to make the picture look serious, and Scott is hiding a grin, and I feel Kyle standing there every time I look at it. It takes my breath away, and I usually fight some tears. But somehow, I'm still not ready to write that story down yet, and I definitely can't share it with my kids. I am learning to love them, but I'm not that close to them.
It's funny how powerful words and stories can be. In something like a "blog" or the internet, there is a sort of freedom that comes from writing to an unknown audience. But working over a possible story in my head to a real audience, even a young one like my students, I realize my pain is still too fresh for confrontation.
I recently read several blog spots of others who are somehow dealing with Kyle's death more fresh this month than last. Maybe winter has more purpose than snow days and hibernation. Maybe its lack of joyful flowers and singing birds brings a sort of calm and quiet that forces us to confront our internal thoughts. I can't say, but either way, someday I'll have a story to write...that I will need to share. I'm glad you'll be around to read it.

Pooter

2006-01-03T18:04:00.000-05:00

Ah, family. There are few people that we feel comfortable enough to poot in front of...or at least admit it was us. Chris and I just finished a marathon round of time with our families here in North Carolina for Christmas. As I reflect back on these two weeks I realize there is one common denominator with all the family...lots of pooting. And I won't name names on who is the winner of us all - you know who you are.
It does make me realize how comfortable love allows us to be. I know it's strange, but there is something reassuring and wonderful about being about to talk and laugh about your bodily functions knowing you will not be judged. Isn't it a monumental point in a new relationship when you are able to be that comfortable with each other? I don't think it is the actual act that brings you so close (usually it makes you move further apart), but the reality that you can be true to yourself...live who you are with someone who loves you. And isn't that what life is all about? Learning to truly live out who you are with those around you...somehow learning to let Christ live through you while still being the person you were created to be.
We had a renewing and excellent time with our families. Chris' parents were able to be here for a week before Christmas and experience our Christmas Eve service with us. Then my parents, sister and her boyfriend, Jed, came the week after Christmas. We even spent two days skiing at Winterplace, about 2 hours away. After they all left and the house was quiet, I was really sad. I love my family and feel I grieve a little bit every time we part. I even felt sad for my friends who also had to part from their family at the end of the Christmas season and especially for those whose loved ones have departed eternally. Yet, I feel there is some kind of lesson in all of this: my grief at saying good-bye to loved ones, which comes at the end of our Christmas break - occurring at the same time as the celebration of the wise men finding Christ in the Epiphany, a seldom celebrated service in our American churches. Doesn't it seem fitting that I had to say good-bye to such a great experience, and the wise men eventually had to walk away from the greatest experience of their lives as well? There is comfort that God does not leave us to experience life all by ourselves - rather we experience it over and over again, together.
On a separate note, I saw the movie Chronicles of Narnia and have to recommend it to you. I was very skeptical of watching it - I didn't want Disney to interpret for me what my mind had already created from C.S. Lewis' words. But I was impressed with the accuracy of the script and the power of this film. I truly understood the lion's sacrifice for the traitor and felt it brought Christmas in a much clearer view.
Well, enough rambling for tonight. I hope you have those in your life with whom you can poot. You're always welcome at my house!

Will It or Won't It....Part II?

2005-12-08T19:42:00.000-05:00

Well, Sunday night I anxiously waiting to see if I would get to sleep in...it started raining but the temperature just wasn't cold enough. BUT we did get an early release an hour early to go home and watch...the rain. I've never had early release for rain before! We were in school like normal Tuesday and somehow this week has just dragged on.
And yet, here I am again...will it or won't it? We are under another winter weather advisory - this time for freezing rain tonight. They aren't making a big deal about it, so I'm assuming it's going to be a major weather event. That's usually how it happens. I have been told that I shouldn't despair though...Mount Airy will see it's fair share of snow soon enough.
Well, I'm sorry I don't have more exciting words for you tonight. We're going to Raleigh tomorrow for Friday night and Saturday so I've got to pack and get some things done tonight. I'll think of something good to say later...
here's wishing for snow! ;)

Will It or Won't It?

2005-12-04T22:36:00.000-05:00

Tonight is one of those fun nights...I'm going to stay up intentionally until 11 to catch the last newscast. And I'll get up early tomorrow morning and turn to the news right away.
One of the things I LOVE about North Carolina that I didn't get to experience much in Texas...winter weather! We are under a Winter Storm Warning beginning tomorrow at 6 am through midnight. Possibly 6 inches of snow! What I don't know is how accurate they are for our new town, Mount Airy. In Raleigh, it was most likely we weren't going to get snow if they said we would (like 9 times out of 10) and that would would get snow suddenly, and sometimes a lot, if they said it would just be rain. But now that we live so much closer to the mountains, how accurate are they? One thing is for sure, it is going to precipitate, but we don't know if it will be cold enough for snow. I think, most likely, I'll have to go to school tomorrow, deal with hyper kids - myself included - all watching out the window and waiting to hear the words that we've dismissed school early. And there's that chance it will snow enough tomorrow afternoon that we'll have Tuesday off.
At least I've learned since high school, just because they say there's a chance, don't skip writing your paper for English! So I'm prepared to teach, but hoping in my heart that I get to sleep in.

Can I relate this to waiting for Christ to come for Christmas? Is that too much of a stretch? I realized at one point this evening, that I was more anxious and in awe of the weather tomorrow than the thought of a baby, born to a virgin, come to save the world of its sin, celebrated in less than a month.
Maybe one of these days I'll learn what's important. Until then, happy snow wishes...and even more significant...wishes of an insightful Advent season, anxiously awaiting the arrival of the One.

Blindsided

2005-11-30T20:05:00.000-05:00

Grief is a strange beast. I am listening to a Dave Crowder song I've heard many times lately and suddenly this time it brings me to tears. I am telling a story I've told before but for no reason this time my voice cracks and tears form in my eyes. Where does this come from? Why can grief drag me to my knees in just one blink, out of the blue, blindside me?
I love the season of Advent: the coming of our Savior.
Of course, I love Christmas too...I drag out my many boxes of Christmas decor...of which only 3 boxes are items for the house - the other 4 are all ornaments...and spend all day thinking of when I received this item or who I was with when I bought that one. Christmas holds memories and special smells and smiles and warm feelings. But Advent is different. Advent is actually about Christ. You can have Christmas without Christ, but you can't have Advent without him.
I think along with the death of a friend, I am grieving the loss of my traditions of Advent this year because of our move. Usually I spend one day during this particular week in a small room at a convent in Durham - a silent retreat - to begin my season of Advent. I pack my bag and snacks and prepare my mind, spirit and emotions for an encounter with God that will center me and settle me before I lose track of what Advent is all about and let Christmas overtake me. But I have no "Avila" this year in this new city with this new job.
I miss the traditions of our old church: making Advent wreaths and lighting one candle each Sunday, the Hanging of Green in the sanctuary, trying different traditions like the Moravian Love Feast, our 11 o'clock Christmas Eve service, and so many more. I knew whose face I would see at a particular service and which songs we would probably sing. I knew the rhythm and PEACE of the Advent season there.
I must remind myself that at one time I was a nomad in the Christmas season...5 years ago when we first moved to North Carolina and Chris and I were newlyweds, I didn't have traditions yet - I didn't even know what Advent was. So I can learn a new way here, too. But I still grief for our loss.
I'm sure that this new blog spot will be mostly ramblings for me, as tonight proves. But it's good to put into words what my heart is feeling, especially as I work through this time of grief from death. I know that I do not experience as much tragedy over Kyle Lake's death as so many others do...he was not a part of my daily life. But like I said before, sometimes it just smacks me in the face when I didn't even know I was thinking about it.
It's good to renew my mind.

Testing

2005-11-27T16:58:00.000-05:00

Just testing out my new blog spot.