Blindsided
Grief is a strange beast. I am listening to a Dave Crowder song I've heard many times lately and suddenly this time it brings me to tears. I am telling a story I've told before but for no reason this time my voice cracks and tears form in my eyes. Where does this come from? Why can grief drag me to my knees in just one blink, out of the blue, blindside me?
I love the season of Advent: the coming of our Savior.
Of course, I love Christmas too...I drag out my many boxes of Christmas decor...of which only 3 boxes are items for the house - the other 4 are all ornaments...and spend all day thinking of when I received this item or who I was with when I bought that one. Christmas holds memories and special smells and smiles and warm feelings. But Advent is different. Advent is actually about Christ. You can have Christmas without Christ, but you can't have Advent without him.
I think along with the death of a friend, I am grieving the loss of my traditions of Advent this year because of our move. Usually I spend one day during this particular week in a small room at a convent in Durham - a silent retreat - to begin my season of Advent. I pack my bag and snacks and prepare my mind, spirit and emotions for an encounter with God that will center me and settle me before I lose track of what Advent is all about and let Christmas overtake me. But I have no "Avila" this year in this new city with this new job.
I miss the traditions of our old church: making Advent wreaths and lighting one candle each Sunday, the Hanging of Green in the sanctuary, trying different traditions like the Moravian Love Feast, our 11 o'clock Christmas Eve service, and so many more. I knew whose face I would see at a particular service and which songs we would probably sing. I knew the rhythm and PEACE of the Advent season there.
I must remind myself that at one time I was a nomad in the Christmas season...5 years ago when we first moved to North Carolina and Chris and I were newlyweds, I didn't have traditions yet - I didn't even know what Advent was. So I can learn a new way here, too. But I still grief for our loss.
I'm sure that this new blog spot will be mostly ramblings for me, as tonight proves. But it's good to put into words what my heart is feeling, especially as I work through this time of grief from death. I know that I do not experience as much tragedy over Kyle Lake's death as so many others do...he was not a part of my daily life. But like I said before, sometimes it just smacks me in the face when I didn't even know I was thinking about it.
It's good to renew my mind.
I love the season of Advent: the coming of our Savior.
Of course, I love Christmas too...I drag out my many boxes of Christmas decor...of which only 3 boxes are items for the house - the other 4 are all ornaments...and spend all day thinking of when I received this item or who I was with when I bought that one. Christmas holds memories and special smells and smiles and warm feelings. But Advent is different. Advent is actually about Christ. You can have Christmas without Christ, but you can't have Advent without him.
I think along with the death of a friend, I am grieving the loss of my traditions of Advent this year because of our move. Usually I spend one day during this particular week in a small room at a convent in Durham - a silent retreat - to begin my season of Advent. I pack my bag and snacks and prepare my mind, spirit and emotions for an encounter with God that will center me and settle me before I lose track of what Advent is all about and let Christmas overtake me. But I have no "Avila" this year in this new city with this new job.
I miss the traditions of our old church: making Advent wreaths and lighting one candle each Sunday, the Hanging of Green in the sanctuary, trying different traditions like the Moravian Love Feast, our 11 o'clock Christmas Eve service, and so many more. I knew whose face I would see at a particular service and which songs we would probably sing. I knew the rhythm and PEACE of the Advent season there.
I must remind myself that at one time I was a nomad in the Christmas season...5 years ago when we first moved to North Carolina and Chris and I were newlyweds, I didn't have traditions yet - I didn't even know what Advent was. So I can learn a new way here, too. But I still grief for our loss.
I'm sure that this new blog spot will be mostly ramblings for me, as tonight proves. But it's good to put into words what my heart is feeling, especially as I work through this time of grief from death. I know that I do not experience as much tragedy over Kyle Lake's death as so many others do...he was not a part of my daily life. But like I said before, sometimes it just smacks me in the face when I didn't even know I was thinking about it.
It's good to renew my mind.
posted by gnat @ 8:05 PM
5 Comments:
At 10:32 PM,
Jo said…
Natalie,
I'm excited you have a blog. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I understand grieving things that you no longer have. May we look ahead at what God will bring in this new season of our lives and be thankful for what He has blessed us with in the past. I love you, dear friend.
Jo
At 8:42 AM,
Anonymous said…
Natalie, This is really neat and I'm glad you shared with me. You have such a gift of expressing your feelings in writing. This was most appropriate at this time because I have a new boss and she just lost one of her best friends to ALS (at the age of 45). I am going to share this with her. See - you just never know who and how you touch others. Love you both and miss you!
Lu Ann
At 1:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hi Natalie: I appreciate your thoughts about the grief you are experiencing and how it has affected you during this season of Advent. You are doing a very healthy exercise by acknowledging your grief by expressing your thoughts (very eloquently, I might add!)and in doing so, you are touching the lives of others. I will continue to remember you and Chris in my thoughts and prayers as you journey through this grief.
Love, Penny
At 2:41 PM,
Anonymous said…
Nat, Wow! I am so glad you shared this with me. Thank you. I must say you were definitely on my mind and in my prayers as I too experienced "Avila" for the first time this past Tuesday. I found that particular day to be very comforting as I too prepared my mind and spirit for an encounter with God so that he would center me and my focus on what Advent really is all about. Thank you very much for sharing what your heart has been feeling. As always, you are in my prayers. Miss you! Love, Nat
At 4:56 PM,
gnat said…
Thanks for all your encouragement and prayers. How do we make it through life without the love and support of others? Sometimes I try, but I'm glad that I fail because it's so much richer when it's shared! Much love to each of you!
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