just a bit of rambling...

You've been forewarned - I am completely rambling here...
I had a good therapy session last week. Two main thoughts came of it that I hadn't imagined. And sad to say, I had not counted on actually learning something in therapy. I guess I thought it would be a place to "talk my feelings out" but not necessarily a place where insight would be gained. Cynical, I know.
I didn't intend for our conversation to be spent on Kyle, still. I shared that part of my frustration with feeling stuck in grief is that I feel like everyone else is moving on. And I am left asking myself, why is this still so hard? Kyle wasn't a part of my daily life, and I don't think about him that often. But there still seems to be a block between me and God and I still feel like I'm holding back on life. She brought to my attention that sometimes as people are grieving, and they start to realize that others are moving on, the struggle becomes that we hold onto the dead to preserve their memory. Kind of like...I can't move on because then Kyle might be forgotten. This makes a lot of sense...after all, I did name my son after him. Then she said that it can make me feel like I'm afraid that others will move on from me - another way to face my own mortality. Oddly enough, for like 3 or 4 days before this session, I had been dwelling on a few insignificant encounters that made me feel left out, excluded, lonely, etc. None of these people's actions was intentional, and if they'd known they'd made me feel this way, I know they would have done differently. But somehow I'd interpreted their actions to be excluding. And so through my session, I realized that this feeling of isolation is deeper than having my feelings hurt by not being invited to something. I am still struggling with my own mortality. Hmm, I thought I had worked that out already and was ok with it.
The second thing that came from my session was in her prayer. Just an aside - last time I was struck by the fact that she prayed "we ask" "we feel" etc. It seem powerful to me that she said "we" instead of "I." Anyway, this week, she prayed that I would find God to be a consistent God. She mentioned to me before we prayed that I appear to be someone who needs routine and structure and that Cam has thrown that off for me (yeah, a bit!). But even harder to deal with than a new baby is sudden and tragic death. All the deaths in my recent life (and so far, she and I have talked about 5 traumas) have been a surprise. Something I couldn't be prepared for, and the kind that are shocking even to those who aren't directly involved. So life has felt very unstructured and unpredictable. Which is hard for someone like me (probably hard for everyone...). So I need to find God to be predictable again. She mentioned the Psalms as a great example of God's consistency...I plan to read some again soon. I hadn't thought much about how God has felt unpredictable to me, but as soon as she said it, I felt a weight lifted - like, yes, I need God to be that again. It doesn't mean that I have to fall back into my old, conservative ways and theology, just that I need to realize that God hasn't changed - just me. There is comfort in that, somewhere. God is "I am."
I have been reading Kyle's book too. Parts of it make me really sad, as he talks about the kids or Jen, but overall, I think it is helping. I do feel like he has a legacy and will be remembered.
Anyway, this is some major rambling...kinda fighting a cold, had a long, tiring day of baby and work. Ready for sleep. Just wanted to put down some thoughts...it really does help me renew my mind.