getting out of the rut

It has been such a long time since I wrote here, i can't imagine anyone is checking it still...so I'll count this addition as a letter to myself. I don't even know how far i'll get as Cam is sleeping - wow how things have changed since my last entry - I was pregnant then, but didn't even know it. And with the house, and the baby, and, well, life in general, I just don't have any energy to write. or creativity, or thoughts of my own, for that matter.
I've continued to deal with deaths - my grandfather died unexpectedly at Christmas last year. I was the only one who didn't get to see him before he passed away. Chris did a great job at the funeral, but I still felt something was missing. I think it was good-bye.
My aunt died this summer. She had terminal cancer - it took her in a little less than a year. I had seen her a couple of weeks before her death and had no idea she was that close to the end. I would have said a lot more things to her and regret my ending. I don't really want to talk about it still.
I've started seeing a counselor. She asked me what I wanted to get out of our meetings and I said two things - 1. to be able to reduce my anxiety, worry, and overall fears - I am always going to be a worrier, but it seems to consume my life right now. and 2. to be able to open up the channels of my relationship with God - creativity, prayer, faithfulness, reading, etc. I don't know what that will look like but I do know they are blocked.
Maybe this blog will be one of those outlets.
Today is the day after the anniversary of Kyle's death. It seems much less clear than last year or two years ago. It almost feels like a different life. Chris and I are wearing our shirts today and will watch his video again. I hope to start his book on prayer soon - that's progress- that I even want to read it.
I hear Cam waking. Besides, the words just aren't flowing today. Oh, well, this is a beginning of some sort. I guess we have to have them...new starts. Otherwise, we stay stuck in these ruts.