That laugh!

Tonight Chris and I lit a candle in memory of Kyle and watched "Kyle's film". We watched the part about his growing up, and it was so great to see his family again. And then we watched the UBC part. I was so thankful to hear Kyle's laugh again. It was embedded in my brain, but I hadn't actually heard it in many years. What a blessing to have it on film forever. Afterward, we put in our engagement video that Kyle took at UBC in 98. His holler and joy and excitement for us is unforgettable.
Kyle, how we miss you. Thank you for your life, example, and love. And laugh.

Since I've been gone

I know it's been awhile. Things have been busy. We leveled off the rise and fall of Brent's death, for now, and took a vacation to Michigan to Chris' parent's cabin on Lake Superior in the UP - basically Canada. We were there when they got a foot of snow in early October. Crazy. I'll post some pictures soon. Then I got sick, and it took a week to recover. We went to the Blue Ridge Parkway this past weekend to see the leaves. I'll post some of those pix too; they are incredible, and I am so thankful to live in such a beautiful part of the world.
This week I have been consumed with a few things. One of them is a conference I got to go to all day on Tuesday at Wake Forest Divinity led by Brian McLaren. Most of what he shared I had heard or read before, but it was fantastic to hear it again and think on it all again. I'll share one thing in particular that he said that has been resonating in my head. He was talking about our evangelistic approach to other religions and how the modern Christian has reacted in basically three ways: 1. to kill them, 2. to ignore them, or 3. to convert them. He challenged us to think of a forth way to respond, to love them. And to love them means to care enough to just do that period. Not love them with an ulterior motive to "lead them to Christ." Just love them. Maybe I'll write more thoughts some other time about this conference.
The second thing that has been consuming my week is the approaching anniversary of Kyle Lake's death. Kyle died on October 30. I'm not sure I even want to say anything about it right now but just to put it out there and prepare my heart. I am so grateful for the intermingling of his death with All Saints Day and even Halloween. I am grateful to be able to celebrate his life. Chris and I will light a candle on Monday for Kyle and remember all he taught us and how he embodied Christ. I'm sure I'll comment on it more later, but for now, I'm tired. That seems to be a common element in our life in the last year.

Feeling something right again?

I have felt numb towards grief in the weeks following Brent's death (see Grace is... if you don't know what I'm referring to). Not denial, not a "oh, it's not real" kind of way. Just numb. Like I have been filled up to the top and can't take anymore. So I just don't feel anymore. I try to think of the grief of the approaching October 30th, Kyle's death, and what kind of feeling fall brings and I just can't feel anything. I think I'm afraid to return to that place again...I was just starting to heal, to be able to get rid of that nag in the back of my mind that said I couldn't truly live anymore because things were now all different. I was actually living again. And I guess I'm afraid to enter into that world of grief again. So I'm not feeling anything. Now, it's been easy to do because we have been so crazy busy, every moment it seems. I haven't really watched any tv, which is a true measure of my days!
We are embarking on a vacation Sunday night to Michigan to Chris' parent's cabin, after Chris preaches at a local church revival in place of Roger, our pastor. The assigned scripture is about the prodigal son, so I'm sure it will be a challenging sermon for us to hear. But I think the hardest part will be this song that we are going to sing as the choir. It was sung on Sunday, Sept. 10, which is significant for many reasons. 1. I didn't sing w/them because Chris was preaching and I prefer to see his face than the back of his head when he preaches. 2. It was amazing when they sang it and the congregation actually clapped. Really, it was heavenly. 3. When we sang it in rehearsal tonight I realized it was before. yes, before. It was the Sunday before Brent died, the Sunday before things just spun around and around in time like a merry-go-round, the last time things felt like they were going up instead of down. And it was hard to sing tonight.
Anyway, I am babbling, I'm afraid. I have many things to write to you about....I am actually starting a list of things to blog about when I have time. Maybe on vacation. But for now, know that I am numb. And maybe that is ok. Maybe sometimes you have to feel nothing before you can start feeling something right again. Maybe the only way to get on track is to sit off of it for a bit. After all, isn't rest one of God's commandments? I think our emotions need a rest too.

Blue Ridge Parkway View

Notice the Moon in the sky. Amazing. Grace is having a Sunday afternoon to drive up the Blue Ridge Parkway with Chris and UB in the jeep and enjoy God's creation. This is about 30 minutes from our house. Grace is living this close to wonder and awe. I'll try to take some pictures soon of the views from Mount Airy. 

Don't you wish you lived in Mount Airy?

View of Pilot Mountain from Pipers Gap, about 15 minutes from our house. We can't see it like this, but just a bit of driving up the mountain and the views take your breath away.