Feeling something right again?

I have felt numb towards grief in the weeks following Brent's death (see Grace is... if you don't know what I'm referring to). Not denial, not a "oh, it's not real" kind of way. Just numb. Like I have been filled up to the top and can't take anymore. So I just don't feel anymore. I try to think of the grief of the approaching October 30th, Kyle's death, and what kind of feeling fall brings and I just can't feel anything. I think I'm afraid to return to that place again...I was just starting to heal, to be able to get rid of that nag in the back of my mind that said I couldn't truly live anymore because things were now all different. I was actually living again. And I guess I'm afraid to enter into that world of grief again. So I'm not feeling anything. Now, it's been easy to do because we have been so crazy busy, every moment it seems. I haven't really watched any tv, which is a true measure of my days!
We are embarking on a vacation Sunday night to Michigan to Chris' parent's cabin, after Chris preaches at a local church revival in place of Roger, our pastor. The assigned scripture is about the prodigal son, so I'm sure it will be a challenging sermon for us to hear. But I think the hardest part will be this song that we are going to sing as the choir. It was sung on Sunday, Sept. 10, which is significant for many reasons. 1. I didn't sing w/them because Chris was preaching and I prefer to see his face than the back of his head when he preaches. 2. It was amazing when they sang it and the congregation actually clapped. Really, it was heavenly. 3. When we sang it in rehearsal tonight I realized it was before. yes, before. It was the Sunday before Brent died, the Sunday before things just spun around and around in time like a merry-go-round, the last time things felt like they were going up instead of down. And it was hard to sing tonight.
Anyway, I am babbling, I'm afraid. I have many things to write to you about....I am actually starting a list of things to blog about when I have time. Maybe on vacation. But for now, know that I am numb. And maybe that is ok. Maybe sometimes you have to feel nothing before you can start feeling something right again. Maybe the only way to get on track is to sit off of it for a bit. After all, isn't rest one of God's commandments? I think our emotions need a rest too.