just a bit of rambling...

You've been forewarned - I am completely rambling here...
I had a good therapy session last week. Two main thoughts came of it that I hadn't imagined. And sad to say, I had not counted on actually learning something in therapy. I guess I thought it would be a place to "talk my feelings out" but not necessarily a place where insight would be gained. Cynical, I know.
I didn't intend for our conversation to be spent on Kyle, still. I shared that part of my frustration with feeling stuck in grief is that I feel like everyone else is moving on. And I am left asking myself, why is this still so hard? Kyle wasn't a part of my daily life, and I don't think about him that often. But there still seems to be a block between me and God and I still feel like I'm holding back on life. She brought to my attention that sometimes as people are grieving, and they start to realize that others are moving on, the struggle becomes that we hold onto the dead to preserve their memory. Kind of like...I can't move on because then Kyle might be forgotten. This makes a lot of sense...after all, I did name my son after him. Then she said that it can make me feel like I'm afraid that others will move on from me - another way to face my own mortality. Oddly enough, for like 3 or 4 days before this session, I had been dwelling on a few insignificant encounters that made me feel left out, excluded, lonely, etc. None of these people's actions was intentional, and if they'd known they'd made me feel this way, I know they would have done differently. But somehow I'd interpreted their actions to be excluding. And so through my session, I realized that this feeling of isolation is deeper than having my feelings hurt by not being invited to something. I am still struggling with my own mortality. Hmm, I thought I had worked that out already and was ok with it.
The second thing that came from my session was in her prayer. Just an aside - last time I was struck by the fact that she prayed "we ask" "we feel" etc. It seem powerful to me that she said "we" instead of "I." Anyway, this week, she prayed that I would find God to be a consistent God. She mentioned to me before we prayed that I appear to be someone who needs routine and structure and that Cam has thrown that off for me (yeah, a bit!). But even harder to deal with than a new baby is sudden and tragic death. All the deaths in my recent life (and so far, she and I have talked about 5 traumas) have been a surprise. Something I couldn't be prepared for, and the kind that are shocking even to those who aren't directly involved. So life has felt very unstructured and unpredictable. Which is hard for someone like me (probably hard for everyone...). So I need to find God to be predictable again. She mentioned the Psalms as a great example of God's consistency...I plan to read some again soon. I hadn't thought much about how God has felt unpredictable to me, but as soon as she said it, I felt a weight lifted - like, yes, I need God to be that again. It doesn't mean that I have to fall back into my old, conservative ways and theology, just that I need to realize that God hasn't changed - just me. There is comfort in that, somewhere. God is "I am."
I have been reading Kyle's book too. Parts of it make me really sad, as he talks about the kids or Jen, but overall, I think it is helping. I do feel like he has a legacy and will be remembered.
Anyway, this is some major rambling...kinda fighting a cold, had a long, tiring day of baby and work. Ready for sleep. Just wanted to put down some thoughts...it really does help me renew my mind.

Funerals and Smiles

My friend Tracy tagged me in her blog to write about 6 things that make me happy, thus the "smile" part of my title. However, before I do, Chris and I are going to attend a funeral on Friday for the Patriarch of two families who have taken us in here in Mount Airy. We have spent some Thanksgivings and Christmases with them when we didn't travel to TX or MI. We have to go out to Asheville, so it will be a long day, but I'd do it in a heartbeat to be near them while they mourn and celebrate the life of their father. I guess I feel bittersweet about it...the good part is I feel I'm having a better outlook overall on death and grief right now so going to a funeral doesn't feel as heavy as it would have a few weeks ago.

So, on that note, things that make me happy:
1. My family - specifically, my amazing husband Chris who is my best friend, cheerleader, coach, confidant, lover, encourager, and co-parent and more! and my cutie-patutie son who is so squeezable and lovable and happy and whom I just can't stop kissing and hugging! and my parents and sister and brother-in-law and Chris' family.
2. The Mountains - we live in an amazing part of the country and I try never to take it for granted. Every day I see the mountain range in the distance, look at amazing tree foliage, see nature and crisp blue skies. I just love it. It could only be better if we had more dustings of snow.
3. Being able to be creative - in whatever form that takes - my job is an outlet for creativity as a communications manager, sometimes I paint (though it's been awhile), sometimes I write (though that's been lacking lately), and sometimes I teach.
4. Church - even though it's really been frustrating me lately, I still love the Church - wherever we may be attending. I love the mission, I love the people, I love the feeling, I love the comfort, I love the routine and predictability, I love the excitement and change, I love to try, I even love when we fail as we grow. I just love the Church and it makes me happy.
5. Driving/Traveling - though we haven't been able to do it in awhile, I am happy when we are traveling, especially by car. I'm sure if we were to count it all up, we have spent a good 1/4 of our marriage in a car. We can go somewhere by plan or just drive aimlessly. We go nearby on the Blue Ridge Parkway, or we go for days on end. I love the freedom and I love the conversation. I love to see new places. Traveling makes me happy.
6. TV - I know, it's terrible! But TV really does make me happy! I look forward to certain shows - i.e. the office - that make me laugh out loud, but then even the ones that aren't funny still cheer me up. I love to curl up on the couch and have no responsibilities for a bit while I am entertained. Thank goodness Cam is going to bed early now!

Thanks for this challenge, Tracy! It was good for me to think through.
I'm not going to tag anyone as I'm not sure anyone is reading this anyway ;)
But I guess if you are reading, I challenge you to think about 6 things that make you happy. Did it take you as long as it took me (a good 20 minutes)?

Subject Change

Thanks to those of you who have said something to me about this blog...I do it more for myself than anything, but it is nice to know I'm not writing into the black hole of the Internet.
Just to recap from the last entry before I change the subject, I have started reading Kyle's book - (re)understanding prayer but it's been hard. He writes a lot of personal stories and he finished this book and had it published just before he died. But I'm glad I've started and I'm trying. I hope to write more about that soon...I have another therapy session soon.
So, I thought I'd get a little political. Dangerous, huh?!
I recently had a good friend ask me on Facebook how I could be an Obama supporter since he is pro-choice. She felt very strongly about struggling with supporting him since he accepts abortion. I thought I would post my response to her here, and I would love to hear your thoughts as well. Do try to keep them respectful and non-judgemental if possible. And maybe I'll write more to my reasons for being such a huge Obama fan.

"I guess it's important to share where I am coming from before I just state my bottom line - which is that I chose Obama based on his governing issues not his moral ones.

I see issues like abortion, homosexuality, pornography, religion, etc as moral issues, not governmental issues. I don't think our government can solve these problems - they are for the church to discuss, teach, challenge and ultimately change - through our relationships and missions with our communities. I recognize that they are not issues in a void - meaning our govt must have some role (i.e Roe vs Wade and whether same-sex marriages are legally binding documents, etc, usually played out in court) but I think that our leaders cannot be reduced to a yes or no checklist of moral controversies.

Ultimately, I value the separation of church and state to an extreme, some would say. I am less concerned about my leader's religious roles than I am about his or her policies and projects (and would actually lean more towards someone who's policies and projects are not a goal of their religion). We see examples of the marriage of church and state in disastrous places like Iraq and Iran where extremism is allowed the role of ruling because there is no separating.
I know that conservative Christians often have a hard understanding this - they think that this means that leaders could take us to a place of extreme secularism and remove God from everything (i.e. the fear of no prayer in school or removing "in God we trust" from money and pledge), but this is where I say so what if they do? What a great challenge and opportunity for the church! We are never going to be a nation where the church is silenced...in thinking of China...its value is already accepted amongst the heavy majority of our people. And even if we do end up in extreme secularism (like Europe), the people of the church have always been more committed when they are persecuted. Jesus told us we would be...so if we're not...maybe we're
doing something wrong.

So my background is to come to the candidate for how they would govern and what they see as major policy changes and goals for their term as president. This is how I made my decision to vote for Obama - I studied his policies and I liked what I saw. I don't agree with everything (it's not possible to have that "perfect" of a candidate), but I am challenged by his message of hope and I'm praying it will make a difference in our nation, esp with racial reconciliation, a widening of the middle class and our international standing.

If you want to talk about this issue of abortion itself, then in comparing the candidates, I still would vote for Obama. The irony, to me, is that Obama may actually reduce more abortions than McCain's presidency would have. Obama is pro-choice, not pro-abortion. He doesn't want there to be abortion, but he recognizes that we must allow women the right to choose. I see his desire to provide health care for children, provide an education up through college for all, provide better sex-education for teenagers, provide more jobs and better salaries - esp for women, and provide hope esp to minorities - I see all of these as a way to end abortions. Women often make this choice out of desperation...if they have more money, better education and see the choice of raising a baby as a single mother as an option, they may not choose to end the pregnancy.

But even considering all of that, I still say this is a challenge for the church. We have to ask ourselves...what are we actually doing to help women make a choice NOT to have an abortion? I say if this is an issue you feel strongly enough about to use to choose your next leader, then it is probably a prompting from the Holy Spirit to do something about it. And I don't mean holding signs in front of Planned Parenthood.
I think we ask ourselves, what can we do to help teenagers see there is an option other than sex to feel loved and belonging (i.e. get involved working with your youth program at church or in your schools as a mentor)?
What can we do to help support single mothers (i.e. find service outlets like home repair, child care, transportation, meals to bring to these women)?
What can we do to welcome in children of ALL backgrounds (i.e. more than just VBS - our SS classes, programs, etc should have different types of kids - not all affluent white kids, and we should be serving in the schools - including having our children mixed with all kinds of kids in their classes)?
What can we do to create an atmosphere of acceptance, love and forgiveness for those who are facing difficult decisions?
And so on....so to me, this is a church issue, not a govt one and so I don't make my decision for my President based on how he views abortion.

I know this prompts all kinds of other conversations - but you didn't ask for more than this and I've already written a book! If you think of more, please respond! I want to create open dialogue where we can have a difference of option if needed and can share our thoughts w/o feeling manipulated or looked down on or discouraged. I hope I have conveyed that attitude towards you, too! Thanks again for asking. I always want to be an open book!"