Like Sand in the Hourglass...
Time is a strange thing. We all know it drags on and on when we are younger...waiting to be old enough to wear makeup, waiting to be old enough to date, waiting to be old enough to drive, waiting for the clock to get to 3:00 so we can leave school. It seems I was always waiting for something until I hit 18 and went to college. Then time passed a little more quickly, but I never felt like it was too fast. I still say that college is the best time of your life (though I am starting to value this time of my life more) - you know: all the freedom, naps, friends, food, mom and dad to still take care of the mundane responsibilities, and time seemed to pass at just the right rate. After I graduated and got married, whoosh....time hasn't stopped yet. Now, sure, there have been those weeks and even seasons that drag on - bad jobs, bad days, days of grief, bad weather. But overall, time just never stops anymore.
This past weekend I realized more than ever how much time has gone by. I went to Texas to see my little (and only) sister Jenny graduate from college. I vividly remember sitting in an arena 4 years ago in Illinois where she started college listening to the welcome address and how they would be the class of 2006. But more than that, I realized my sister is becoming a woman. Anne joined me at dinner and hung out afterwards as we went for drinks with Jenny's friends and fiance. How can she be old enough for friends, a fiance, and drinks?
I'm sure our relationship is more complex than most siblings as we are 7 1/2 years apart (I have always said the 1/2 part...I don't know why). In many regards, I was a second mother to her - not in her later years as I went to college when she was in 5th grade and Chris and I moved to NC when she was 16, but I have always told her what to do, asked her to do her chores, and mothered her as much as I could get away with. So maybe in a small way, I can understand what parents feel when they see their birds leave the nest. I'm sure that her wedding day will be a flood of emotions that my own wedding day did not even bring. I am so thankful for the relationship we are growing into together as she matures and our life situations become more of the same. But none the less, when did she grow up??
Ok, so maybe all this lamenting of time is coming from the fact that I am turning 30 on Friday. I am excited about being 30 and saying I am in my 30's and living through my third decade. I have always longed to be older than I am because someone older than me was always saying, "Oh, you're so young, you can't understand." or "You're too young to remember this, but..." and it has always bothered me. Nevermind the fact that I could still pass for a high schooler. But the last few weeks, 30 is starting to weigh kinda heavy on me. I'm not dreading it, but I think I'm understanding the magnitude of what it is (or at least, is in my mind). There were all those things that I was going to do before I was 30. Not many are actually on my list of accomplishments. And 30 is so "old," I never said, "When I am 30, I hope I..." Instead it was, "When I'm 20..." I never thought about 30 or beyond. I remember counting out how old I would be when the year 2000 hit, and I remember thinking how old I thought I would be when I had my first child or got married...none of those ages was 30 or beyond. Or how OLD 60 used to be...not anymore! So 30 feels heavier than it used to because now I am approaching the side of "not so young" and my future somehow seems narrower. If I were to talk to my grandparents, I know they would say I still have a lifetime ahead of me, and I know it's never too late to chase a dream, but maybe now my dreams are becoming simpler or smaller somehow. I'm not sure that is a bad thing, it's just a different thing.
Maybe time has much more to do with expectations...when we were younger, we didn't expect as much. Now we have this idea of how things are supposed to go and then they come and go and even if they happen the way we wanted, we've already played them out in our minds so they go much faster. It's like the real experience is the re-run.
The bottom line is I am amazed that it is August of 2006, that I am turning 30, that my sister has graduated from college, that my parents are celebrating their 35th anniversary, that time is going so quickly.
One blessing I should not miss in all of this is that my life is being lived well; otherwise, I'd still be counting down the seconds.
This past weekend I realized more than ever how much time has gone by. I went to Texas to see my little (and only) sister Jenny graduate from college. I vividly remember sitting in an arena 4 years ago in Illinois where she started college listening to the welcome address and how they would be the class of 2006. But more than that, I realized my sister is becoming a woman. Anne joined me at dinner and hung out afterwards as we went for drinks with Jenny's friends and fiance. How can she be old enough for friends, a fiance, and drinks?
I'm sure our relationship is more complex than most siblings as we are 7 1/2 years apart (I have always said the 1/2 part...I don't know why). In many regards, I was a second mother to her - not in her later years as I went to college when she was in 5th grade and Chris and I moved to NC when she was 16, but I have always told her what to do, asked her to do her chores, and mothered her as much as I could get away with. So maybe in a small way, I can understand what parents feel when they see their birds leave the nest. I'm sure that her wedding day will be a flood of emotions that my own wedding day did not even bring. I am so thankful for the relationship we are growing into together as she matures and our life situations become more of the same. But none the less, when did she grow up??
Ok, so maybe all this lamenting of time is coming from the fact that I am turning 30 on Friday. I am excited about being 30 and saying I am in my 30's and living through my third decade. I have always longed to be older than I am because someone older than me was always saying, "Oh, you're so young, you can't understand." or "You're too young to remember this, but..." and it has always bothered me. Nevermind the fact that I could still pass for a high schooler. But the last few weeks, 30 is starting to weigh kinda heavy on me. I'm not dreading it, but I think I'm understanding the magnitude of what it is (or at least, is in my mind). There were all those things that I was going to do before I was 30. Not many are actually on my list of accomplishments. And 30 is so "old," I never said, "When I am 30, I hope I..." Instead it was, "When I'm 20..." I never thought about 30 or beyond. I remember counting out how old I would be when the year 2000 hit, and I remember thinking how old I thought I would be when I had my first child or got married...none of those ages was 30 or beyond. Or how OLD 60 used to be...not anymore! So 30 feels heavier than it used to because now I am approaching the side of "not so young" and my future somehow seems narrower. If I were to talk to my grandparents, I know they would say I still have a lifetime ahead of me, and I know it's never too late to chase a dream, but maybe now my dreams are becoming simpler or smaller somehow. I'm not sure that is a bad thing, it's just a different thing.
Maybe time has much more to do with expectations...when we were younger, we didn't expect as much. Now we have this idea of how things are supposed to go and then they come and go and even if they happen the way we wanted, we've already played them out in our minds so they go much faster. It's like the real experience is the re-run.
The bottom line is I am amazed that it is August of 2006, that I am turning 30, that my sister has graduated from college, that my parents are celebrating their 35th anniversary, that time is going so quickly.
One blessing I should not miss in all of this is that my life is being lived well; otherwise, I'd still be counting down the seconds.
posted by gnat @ 2:58 PM
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