Silence and Sacrifice
Silence. Sacrifice.
Tonight is the first night I am really struggling with my vow to reduce my television watching during Lent. It has been surprising easy...not because of the temptation being reduced and my strength being great, mind you, but because my life has been very abnormal since, well, Ash Wednesday. Tonight is the first night I have come home from work at a reasonable time (3:30), did not fall asleep from exhaustion or illness, did not have other business to attend to, and could just, well, watch TV. I did not watch any TV last night, so I permitted myself to double up on my "time allowance" and watch 3 hrs of TV...all from TiVo, of course. I watched my sitcom Mad About You, America's Top Model (ok, I didn't say they were good indulgences), and Black.White.
[I am absolutely crazy about Black.White. If you haven't heard about it, it's a project (= reality TV, with less editing) where a white family is put into make-up to be black and a black family is made up to be white and the two families share a house together and "try out" each other's worlds while talking about it at home. Now it's on FX, so there is lots of language, but I feel the producers have done a good job of keeping it real. I am so intrigued by the white families' bigotry and the black families' stereotypes. And my own bigotry and stereotypes. I wish I could be in that project. I'll talk about my thoughts on it some other blog.]
Anyway, that's not my ramble for tonight. After my 3 hrs of TV were over, it was only 7 (yes, I get home early, but my day starts at 6:20 am and I don't get to pee whenever I want, ok?). So now what? If you read chris' blog, then you would know that he is off snowboarding today - his last hurrah before spring takes away his new passion - and he won't be home until late. I usually eat dinner in front of the TV when I'm alone and I have a little school work to attend to...also usually done in front of the TV. And I know I could justify it by turning on the all important Duke game because I don't really "watch" that...but I know in my heart I need to make a sacrifice.
So now I have returned to the beginning...silence and sacrifice. Why did I make this sacrifice of no TV? Why do I give up anything for Lent?
I am reminded of Chris' excellent lesson last night on "Making All Things New" (Henry Nouwen). We think the answer to our problem of busyness - i.e. not hearing or being with God for our "busy lives" - is to stop and go into retreat or silence. But what Nouwen proposes and what Chris explained is that while retreat or isolation may be a later result, God did not ask us to leave the world, to stop life, to stop living in order to be with Him. When we look to Jesus' example, he never stopped BEING. I think that sacrifice for Lent, and my current situation - silence, relates to this "in Him we live and move and have our being" by saying, OK, my normal life can be all the busy things that I do as long as I know why. As long as I have a purpose greater than the acts themselves. As long as I have a center, a motivation, a grounding, and that is the will of God. And in the season of Lent, I need to be more purposeful about that. I need to see that my life is centered. My life is grounded. My life has a meaning greater than me. And so I turn off my TV and struggle with the silence, not to say, "I am abandoning my normal way of living to be something different before You, God. I am changing who I normally am in order to hear Your voice." No rather, I am saying, "I am living. I am loving. I am life. But my life is not my own. So I can control it and say, be still. I need to hear my Maker."
So, bare down on me, silence. I need to be confronted with where my center has been. And where it needs to be...
On a side note, I see spring in a whole new way this year. Oh, how I have needed the change. Fall and Winter have been only one thing for me...grief. And to see the flowers arriving, the trees changing, the birds singing and playing...I see...well, I embrace beauty. And I am living life to the fullest. Kyle would be pleased. Praise God for his example.
Tonight is the first night I am really struggling with my vow to reduce my television watching during Lent. It has been surprising easy...not because of the temptation being reduced and my strength being great, mind you, but because my life has been very abnormal since, well, Ash Wednesday. Tonight is the first night I have come home from work at a reasonable time (3:30), did not fall asleep from exhaustion or illness, did not have other business to attend to, and could just, well, watch TV. I did not watch any TV last night, so I permitted myself to double up on my "time allowance" and watch 3 hrs of TV...all from TiVo, of course. I watched my sitcom Mad About You, America's Top Model (ok, I didn't say they were good indulgences), and Black.White.
[I am absolutely crazy about Black.White. If you haven't heard about it, it's a project (= reality TV, with less editing) where a white family is put into make-up to be black and a black family is made up to be white and the two families share a house together and "try out" each other's worlds while talking about it at home. Now it's on FX, so there is lots of language, but I feel the producers have done a good job of keeping it real. I am so intrigued by the white families' bigotry and the black families' stereotypes. And my own bigotry and stereotypes. I wish I could be in that project. I'll talk about my thoughts on it some other blog.]
Anyway, that's not my ramble for tonight. After my 3 hrs of TV were over, it was only 7 (yes, I get home early, but my day starts at 6:20 am and I don't get to pee whenever I want, ok?). So now what? If you read chris' blog, then you would know that he is off snowboarding today - his last hurrah before spring takes away his new passion - and he won't be home until late. I usually eat dinner in front of the TV when I'm alone and I have a little school work to attend to...also usually done in front of the TV. And I know I could justify it by turning on the all important Duke game because I don't really "watch" that...but I know in my heart I need to make a sacrifice.
So now I have returned to the beginning...silence and sacrifice. Why did I make this sacrifice of no TV? Why do I give up anything for Lent?
I am reminded of Chris' excellent lesson last night on "Making All Things New" (Henry Nouwen). We think the answer to our problem of busyness - i.e. not hearing or being with God for our "busy lives" - is to stop and go into retreat or silence. But what Nouwen proposes and what Chris explained is that while retreat or isolation may be a later result, God did not ask us to leave the world, to stop life, to stop living in order to be with Him. When we look to Jesus' example, he never stopped BEING. I think that sacrifice for Lent, and my current situation - silence, relates to this "in Him we live and move and have our being" by saying, OK, my normal life can be all the busy things that I do as long as I know why. As long as I have a purpose greater than the acts themselves. As long as I have a center, a motivation, a grounding, and that is the will of God. And in the season of Lent, I need to be more purposeful about that. I need to see that my life is centered. My life is grounded. My life has a meaning greater than me. And so I turn off my TV and struggle with the silence, not to say, "I am abandoning my normal way of living to be something different before You, God. I am changing who I normally am in order to hear Your voice." No rather, I am saying, "I am living. I am loving. I am life. But my life is not my own. So I can control it and say, be still. I need to hear my Maker."
So, bare down on me, silence. I need to be confronted with where my center has been. And where it needs to be...
On a side note, I see spring in a whole new way this year. Oh, how I have needed the change. Fall and Winter have been only one thing for me...grief. And to see the flowers arriving, the trees changing, the birds singing and playing...I see...well, I embrace beauty. And I am living life to the fullest. Kyle would be pleased. Praise God for his example.
posted by gnat @ 7:54 PM
1 Comments:
At 8:28 PM,
gnat said…
By the way, Dusty, it was so great to hear from you!! Send me your email so we can chat. It is refreshing to be reunited with old friends...especially those who are grieving too.
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